i'm afraid that in the pursuit to understand myself deeply and to heal my heart, i have become self-centered and (temporarily) forgotten that our love for and through others, our relationship to others, is truly what makes the world go 'round.
someone said something to me yesterday that really got at my soul. it made me think, it made me uneasy and it made me question if i am living the life i am supposed to be living; the life i want to be living, and the life i talk about living. i wrestled with understanding if it was true or if i was leading with a facade- am i really who people think i am?
i pondered what this person said to me all day and all night and in to this next day before writing this.
i was told, "it's pretty evident that you exist for others.. you are a lover of people and that is remarkable."
twelve hours later i was told by someone whom i hardly speak to anymore, "you saw more in me than i saw in myself.. it's people like you who make this world a better place. you truly make a difference."
am i? do i?
am i "remarkable"? do i love others? do i exist for them?
do i love people as much as i could? do i give them all my love each day?
why is that these words of kindness seize up my heart instead of make it flourish and abound with love? actually, they totally do that, and i cannot even begin to put in to words what these compliments mean to my soul, but those feelings are entangled with guilt and fear. how is it that people can think this of me when i know i can do far more in my daily life; mentally, physically, spiritually and consciously, to make this world a better place. i can and want to do more.
do i exist for others in the way that i want to or the way that others may perceive that i do? am i fulfilling my purpose and passions to help others and to enrich the lives around me?
i don't know.
i don't know if i exist for others as much as i would like.
healing is essential. deeply understanding your own soul is always, extremely, essential. digging deep in to the roots of who you are. gnawing at the corners of your soul. flushing out. these are all things that must, at least in my case, be done. must be explored.
but in doing so, have i forgotten others? have i forgotten that i can serve each day? that i can help in big and small ways? that i can do more to enrich my communities near and far? not only explore my dreams but to bring them to fruition through serving others passionately.
have i become more interested in my own spiritual pursuit of happiness and fulfillment that i have forgotten that at the core of my own self's happiness is the happiness, well being and spirituality of others? am i serving enough? and am i praying enough? am i connected with others in the ways that i want to be? am i taking small steps each day to get to where i want to be in the future?
hmmm...
have i started obsessing over who i want to be and forgotten how to get there? how to press in to that? what that looks like today?
welcome to my brain.
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so many oddly timed universal 'coincidences' have happened today. it's like the universe, and God, are collectively screaming at me... 'remember the important things. remember who you are. you are incredibly and beyond belief, blessed. you are a human- humans need to take some easy days. feed your soul and nothing else. you have a chance to start over each day. you can remember the light and the spirit that works from within. if you choose, your dreams are sitting there, waiting to be explored and realized, sent in to action. you can and will work your butt off. you need to start now but don't be hard on yourself for not starting before. why do you not continue the things that make you great? don't be hard on yourself for pausing such things- just start them again now and tomorrow and continue them for always. small steps each day will lead you to a point you never knew you could get to. there are a lot of people who could be affected by you. but most importantly, there are a lot of people who can affect you. embrace them. there are wee little lights all over this world, near and far, just waiting for a hug. you will get there. trust.'
and then the universe screamed, 'you are enough. just be.' but i don't know if i listened completely.
instead i thought, 'my soul hurts today... and that might be okay. at least i know i can feel something and that it's doing powerful, deep within me.'
i chose to see Beasts of the Southern Wild tonight, and wow. i must say, that is one incredible film. there are so many things i could comment on, so many fitting narrations to go perfectly with my soul's feelings today and lot's of days, but this was one of my favorites:
“This is the most important thing. That y’all learn to take care of the things that are smaller and sweeter than you.”
the universe has a funny way of handing us the answers. sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) God just says, 'okay, here ya go; you pondered, you thought, you asked, you sought... you shall receive.'
there are a lot of wee ones smaller and sweeter than i, out there in this world. and for a long time i have thought these little lights are where my soul's purpose lies. let's hope i can learn something along the way and help some of them out.
and in closing, this pretty much sums everything up perfectly;
"I see that I am a little piece of a big, big universe, and that makes it right."
-Hushpuppy, Beasts
