we are not the same age anymore... sad panda.

happy birthday to my champion brother.

(perhaps this is a good reminder.)

just know, that if i could, i would give you a parade like this..... 

[ her enthusiasm is unrivaled- you have big shoes to fill on your parade day, brotherrrr. ]

happy birthday, big brother.
mentor. friend. believer. bed-maker. inspiration. 

(i could make the list much, much longer, so i'll stop there)

//

Is the sun so selfish, because it will set now?

Is the wind a jerk because it change?

Would you call the earth an asshole

For turning 'round 'n' round you know,

It never ever stays in just one place.

//

love this beautiful hippie.
oh, this one's pretty good, too. 

damn right i support it.

Okay, I repped him last year here, but wanted to throw some more love out to our NW boy Macklemore and of course, the talented Ryan Lewis. 

This time there is a greater love, a deeper respect and a new obsession with what these boys are accomplishing. 

Whatever your view is on the subject, this track is about to make you feel stronger about pro-gay marriage, or it's about to make you reconsider why you're against it. 

damn right I support it. 

Cheers boys, cheers. 

do more than just exist: ponder, ask, create, love: deeply

i'm afraid that in the pursuit to understand myself deeply and to heal my heart, i have become self-centered and (temporarily) forgotten that our love for and through others, our relationship to others, is truly what makes the world go 'round. 

someone said something to me yesterday that really got at my soul. it made me think, it made me uneasy and it made me question if i am living the life i am supposed to be living; the life i want to be living, and the life i talk about living. i wrestled with understanding if it was true or if i was leading with a facade- am i really who people think i am?

i pondered what this person said to me all day and all night and in to this next day before writing this. 

i was told, "it's pretty evident that you exist for others.. you are a lover of people and that is remarkable."

twelve hours later i was told by someone whom i hardly speak to anymore, "you saw more in me than i saw in myself.. it's people like you who make this world a better place. you truly make a difference."

am i? do i? 

am i "remarkable"? do i love others? do i exist for them? 

do i love people as much as i could? do i give them all my love each day?

why is that these words of kindness seize up my heart instead of make it flourish and abound with love? actually, they totally do that, and i cannot even begin to put in to words what these compliments mean to my soul, but those feelings are entangled with guilt and fear. how is it that people can think this of me when i know i can do far more in my daily life; mentally, physically, spiritually and consciously, to make this world a better place. i can and want to do more. 

do i exist for others in the way that i want to or the way that others may perceive that i do? am i fulfilling my purpose and passions to help others and to enrich the lives around me? 

i don't know. 

i don't know if i exist for others as much as i would like. 

healing is essential. deeply understanding your own soul is always, extremely, essential. digging deep in to the roots of who you are. gnawing at the corners of your soul. flushing out. these are all things that must, at least in my case, be done. must be explored. 

but in doing so, have i forgotten others? have i forgotten that i can serve each day? that i can help in big and small ways? that i can do more to enrich my communities near and far? not only explore my dreams but to bring them to fruition through serving others passionately. 

have i become more interested in my own spiritual pursuit of happiness and fulfillment that i have forgotten that at the core of my own self's happiness is the happiness, well being and spirituality of others? am i serving enough? and am i praying enough? am i connected with others in the ways that i want to be? am i taking small steps each day to get to where i want to be in the future? 

hmmm...

have i started obsessing over who i want to be and forgotten how to get there? how to press in to that? what that looks like today?

welcome to my brain. 

-----------------------

so many oddly timed universal 'coincidences' have happened today. it's like the universe, and God, are collectively screaming at me... 'remember the important things. remember who you are. you are incredibly and beyond belief, blessed. you are a human- humans need to take some easy days. feed your soul and nothing else. you have a chance to start over each day. you can remember the light and the spirit that works from within. if you choose, your dreams are sitting there, waiting to be explored and realized, sent in to action. you can and will work your butt off. you need to start now but don't be hard on yourself for not starting before. why do you not continue the things that make you great? don't be hard on yourself for pausing such things- just start them again now and tomorrow and continue them for always. small steps each day will lead you to a point you never knew you could get to. there are a lot of people who could be affected by you. but most importantly, there are a lot of people who can affect you. embrace them. there are wee little lights all over this world, near and far, just waiting for a hug. you will get there. trust.' 

and then the universe screamed, 'you are enough. just be.' but i don't know if i listened completely. 

instead i thought, 'my soul hurts today... and that might be okay. at least i know i can feel something and that it's doing powerful, deep within me.' 

i chose to see Beasts of the Southern Wild tonight, and wow. i must say, that is one incredible film. there are so many things i could comment on, so many fitting narrations to go perfectly with my soul's feelings today and lot's of days, but this was one of my favorites: 

“This is the most important thing. That y’all learn to take care of the things that are smaller and sweeter than you.”

the universe has a funny way of handing us the answers. sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) God just says, 'okay, here ya go; you pondered, you thought, you asked, you sought... you shall receive.' 

there are a lot of wee ones smaller and sweeter than i, out there in this world. and for a long time i have thought these little lights are where my soul's purpose lies. let's hope i can learn something along the way and help some of them out. 

and in closing, this pretty much sums everything up perfectly; 

"I see that I am a little piece of a big, big universe, and that makes it right." 

-Hushpuppy, Beasts 

let the magic operate

:)

[photo cred: lexi meek @ burning man '12]

you say i'm a dreamer.....

there are two things i want in life right now....

1. ink for my typewriter so i can finally use it. 

ahh.. to type notes of sunshine & happiness each day.. 

aaaaaaaand...

2. to live in a van again.

soon. somewhere. anywhere. with friends & lovers. exploring. adventuring. living simply. to sell possessions & go. 

let's live in a van and give out hugs to the people we meet. we'll let their love change us, we'll never look back and we'll adventure in to places we've never been before- both on the road and in our souls. there is no one way we must live our lives so let's be what we are and do what we love. 

our souls tick only for certain things, it is our responsibility to keep these things alive in our hearts. 

so we'll live in a van and travel around and hand out typed notes of love and sunshine to people we meet who will change our souls. 

live. learn. love. 

really big life thoughts

Sometimes things seem to just hit you. Like, the seemingly obvious little things in life just jump right out and scream, "Well, duh. I've been here the whole time. My name is cliche and actually, I couldn't be more truthful." 

This has been happening to me a lot lately. Epitomes and revelations all up in my existence for months now. It's really, truly, mind-blowingly awesome. 

Here are some examples... the fact that:  

1. Life is really... real. And awesome

2. We are all going to die, and maybe tomorrow. 

3. A person should seize the day, Carpe the shit out of every diem. 

4. Everyone should stop playing games. Games are dumb and waste time. Just be yourself.

5. We are Infinite and really can do anything! (see older post, here) 

6. Love the people around you, speak with kindness and from your heart always.

7. We are blessed beyond belief and should try to keep in mind others whom are suffering in ways we cannot imagine. 

8. ...Does YOLO count?*

You know. Big life realizations. 

aaaaaand then common sense things like...

1. Tip your server well.

2. No matter how hard you deny it, it's always ridiculously fun to pretend you're in college again. 

3. Shut the fridge door when you're deciding what to drink. Do you know how much energy is wasted in the time it takes to decide such things? Some people don't even have fridges.

Okay, so that last one is actually a personal pet peeve of mine. And I've been known to get a little harsh on a person when they're just standing in front of a fridge with the door open! 

When in Haiti, I spent time with the Livesay family. They are absolutely wonderful, hearts of gold, fulfilling God's mission in a crazy way... all while raising five children, two of whom are adopted lil Haitian peanuts, in the middle of crazy Port-Au-Prince. Troy, the father, has been known to hear the fridge door opening from a completely different room in the house and yell, "Shut the door until you know what you're getting!" 

(Part of this is because Haiti's electricity and power system is positively ridiculous and most days the entire city's power unit goes down when overwhelmed... about four times per day. But he's totally right.... we need to consciously stop wasting so much energy.) 

But then, this morning I had an "Oh my goodness, I am a total hypocrite" moment. I realized that while 'suggesting' to others to make less of an impact on our Mother Earth, while signing petitions and protesting for rain forests and yelling at my mom to shut the fridge door, I totally brush my teeth in the shower every day! Instead of brushing in the sink, using water only when I need to rinse and spit, I have been using gallons of water from the shower head while selfishly brushing my teeth for two whole minutes!! Do you know how hard it is for me to understand why I never thought about this before?! I almost lost it... On myself. 

Then I realized that beating myself up, or anyone else for that matter, is not speaking with kindness from your heart (List One of Big Life Realizations above..) and could potentially just make matters worse. 

So instead of beating myself up, I decided to learn from my years of being a hypocritical-energy-waster and move forward. Today is a new day. And there will be no more brushing my teeth in the shower. 

That's it. That's my really big life thought of the day... 

Please remember that YOLO'ing in a smarter, more loving and selfless, less environmental impact-y, conscious sort of way is much, much cooler. Just sayin'.

Now that you're tired of my ranting, here's a picture of some whacky fruit. I guarantee getting a glimpse of banana's snuggling will make your life a whole lot better: