don't get your hopes up too high.
you'll just have farther to fall. 

the kind of Dr. I'd like to meet.

a guy with a home and family, just changin' the world...

As I actively thought of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. today, a few quotes and speeches came to my head. I wanted to pick just one to highlight but as the day went on, I realized, there are simply too many that strike me to choose just one.

I honor the Dr. today. In fact, I honor him a lot of days. I have always been silently drawn to not only his words but how he said them; his commitment to the service of others, the embodiment of his mission for change, his passionate demeanor, his courageous spirit, the inspiration he must have exuded.
How he stood in the face of hatred not afraid to fight hard. And how he did it with the constant reminder that we are here to serve. That we are here for each other, to honor that responsibility and to care for others as our true and righteous mission during our time here in life.

He helped lead a revolution, something that does not come to the faint-hearted. He spoke words as if they were fire. And those words, to this day, drive people from complacency to action.

Complacency is something of which I think our culture and society has done quite well at cultivating in the last 30-odd years. It is a problem bigger than I know how to combat, I weep at the idea of our complacent nature as Americans. Back then, it was the color of a person's skin. Today it is sexual orientation, class warfare, corporations and big power vs. a shrinking middle class, females in the workplace, bullies on the playground, religious organization and belief, this country vs. that country, money / power, and so on... The point is, we face injustices each and every day on many levels. The planet is dying, the government is increasingly more corrupt and (terrifyingly) powerful, the numbers of sick and poor and orphaned are growing by the minute, our food is being poisoned, our healthcare system is whack... shall I go on?... and all the while people care what Snookie's baby looks like more than what's going on in their direct world. Injustices being ignored left and right for the sake of looking cool. I have learned the hard way that if you 'care too much' you will quickly lose friends and be ridiculed. I don't believe I am as strong as Dr. King, I wish I could say I embodied even a third of the courage he possessed, but I do know that he fought a righteous and true fight. And he fought for it at all costs. And that that can serve as my inspiration to be a better person each day, to stand in the face of injustice and to fight for the things I believe in. And to do it with love. 

Dr. King was not the only leader to commit such inspirational acts or speak such poignant words. But he did so with a fever that no one can deny was contagious. Even when you listen to the old recordings, you can feel it. His words ignite something in the heart. Throughout my years of being an 'activist' in some form or another, the Dr. has continued to stand as a steady example of justice, service, honor, love, courage and solidarity. He has helped me believe, that on some level, I can make my world better. I can make a difference and I can do it with passionate love. I can serve my fellow humans and I can do it justly. I can make a difference. 

Here are few of my favorite things he reminds me:
"Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'what are you doing for others?'" 

"Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals."

"Everybody can be great, because everybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make you subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love." 

"Every man must decided whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness." 

There is a great book, one of the first I read about him (outside of school, of course) called A Call to Conscience that I would recommend for anyone wanting to read his fiery words for themselves. It's a collection of his landmark speeches, each one accompanied by a introduction of the current relevance of his words or what it felt like to be in his presence the day he gave the speech!

Thank you for being a Changer, Dr. King. 

Advice from Ninety & Awesome

This woman totally kicks ass!
I SO want to be like this when I am ninety! 

I came across this list yesterday... And Oh. My. Goodness. Is it awesome! I could not have put a better one together myself! I suppose she does have 60-something years on me though... 

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 42 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more": (Ah! She celebrates her age and refers to it as an odometer... I love! I guarantee this lady doesn't tell herself she's old when she gets up in the morning. AGE is only a STATE of MIND!)

I've taken the liberty to highlight some of my favs, even though it's hard because I like almost every single one of them:)

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it..

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. 

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.

9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile (Haha! Welcome to my life!)

10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 

(Let go. Release. Forgive yourself. Let go... It's hard, but essential.)

11. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 

(Comparison is the thief of joy. -Teddy Roosevelt)

13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it...

14. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

15. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways. 
(I am always actively trying to practice this. Lessening my attachment to material possessions. It has done wonders for the space in my soul.) 

16. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

17. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. (happy face.)

19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

21. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 

(It's okay... people won't understand you. Repeat: It's okay.)

22. The most important sex organ is the brain. (bah! yah!)

23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

25. Always choose life. (Sometimes I think we humans forget this... LIVE. NOW.)

26. Forgive but don’t forget. 

27. What other people think of you is none of your business. 

(Do you give a shit? I don't give a shit.)

28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. 

(Patience. Word of the Year. I can attest to the fact that this is so, so, annoyingly, true.)

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.. 

(I have learned so much about this one in the last year or so... what a miracle it is to laugh!)

31. Believe in miracles. (yes, please!)

32. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

33. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

34. Your children get only one childhood.

35. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 
(only love. only love.)

36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
(fresh air heals aches of the heart & ailments of the body.)

37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need. 

(Good one to remember, it is so easy to fall in to this trap in our society + culture, no matter how centered we are.)

39. The best is yet to come...

40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 

(This one is always a personal challenge in progress. One that I know I could probably do better at.)

41. Yield.

42. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

The beauty of this list is that the ones that speak to you most are maybe not the ones that speak to me most. I encourage you to ponder this list, even write it out and put it somewhere you will see it. 

I also encourage (myself included!) to add to the list! Make your own and let it encourage you to be the joyful human you are meant to be- Seize life and everything in it, make the most of what you have, bless others to do the same and love. Only love.

yoga & meditation saved me..

this chick is hella scattering joy with some awesome balloons. 

from... myself.

I have this issue... It's called thinking too much.
I think about about the problems and the suffering in the world. About the joy of the world, sometimes the joy I am fearing I am missing out on (FOMO kiiiiills!). About my adventures in the moment and adventures I've yet to go on. About discoveries of new people, places and things, about my feelings, my heart, my head. The things I 'should' be doing. The difference I 'could' be making. The dreams I want to get to.
I think a lot. A lot of the time.

I find I do my most 'constructive' thinking while running. It's like therapy with a nice pace.
But, running doesn't always happen, especially in the last seven or so months with some of the physical issues I've had to deal with. So, my 'therapy' sessions have been nearly cut in half. Leaving a brain in a head yearning to be flushed out in some form or another.

Enter yoga & meditation.
When I am consistently practicing, everything is clearer. Not only when I am on the mat, but much clearer and calmer when I am off the mat. Everything settles in, settles down. It's like settling the apple juice in this here story.
Yoga saves me from my own brain. It helps ease the pain my heart feels for the suffering in the world. It brings me joy and allows me to let go of things I don't know how else to let go of. It assures me that there is actually something I can do to make the world a better place. It relieves my almost constant need to be hard on myself.
There is something that connects my heart, my mind and my soul within the four corners of that mat. And it is a true blessing.

My heart has been opened and opening ever more since the first day years ago I stepped on the mat. It's amazing the amount of pure, deep, true love I feel for others, the world and myself when practicing. Sometimes the power of this love moves me to such a deep space I have found myself letting tears slip from closed eyes in Savasana.

I understand the things going on in the world around me when I practice yoga and meditation. Everything becomes simpler.
I understand love. It flows from everything.
I understand service. There is nothing I yearn for more but to give myself to others.
I can feel joy and can revel in the space of purity and goodness for the duration of a session and then throughout my day.
Sometimes this joy is literally bursting from the seems of my heart, I can do nothing but laugh or smile or hug people or wiggle around as if my heart may jump from my chest at any moment.

It's like a drug. Or therapy. Or just a really good friend who makes you laugh. Or the way your dog makes you feel because he's the only 'person' you want to hang out with.
It's like hiking, or a sunny day, a road trip with no agenda, love between two hearts, a hug shared with your mama, a piece of chocolate and a good cup of tea, a book you can't put down.
It's like standing in the middle of everything and everyone you've ever known and shining your light around the circle.
It is a blessing. 

And it saved me from me. It saved me from the confusion my head builds. It saved me from the things that I have no desire to become.

An amazing, encouraging, best friend of mine recently gave me a little magnet that simply says "Scatter Joy." She said the second she saw it, she thought of me and had to get it. I am humbled to receive such a gift, not necessarily the magnet itself, but the message that I must be sending out for her to think she had to get it for me. She thought of me and scattering joy. Together. How cool.
It is my intention to scatter joy and it is my intention to live in joy each and every day. Sometimes I am aware of my intense failure to do so. But then I remember I am human. And humans are just downright silly at times.
I suppose I 'scatter joy' better with yoga and meditation at my side.
I stopped practicing both right after Thanksgiving until the New Year. Life grabbed hold and things got crazy. Holidays, family, friends, CouchSurfers, adventures, too much drinking, too many distractions. It's interesting that in those same weeks, my head was more clouded and I was more unsure of myself than ever before. I was questioning my abilities and thinking rapid thoughts.
Maybe yoga and meditation is the last thing I need to cut out of my life.

One of my yoga teaches always ends practice with the same thing, he says, "Don't let anyone piss you off. Don't let anyone take your joy. Whatever it is in life, walk away from it. It is not worth it. Do not let anyone take your joy." And then he says, "Remember that yoga is 90% discipline and 10% dedication to simply showing up. Everything else just happens."
All of that really speaks to me each time I hear him say it. I am happy to share it here.

It is my hope that someday I will be able to scatter this joy and my love for yoga and mediation with others. I must remember to discipline myself and show up, and soak it all in so that when I am outside of the peaceful state of the mat, I may share my love with others.

I will continue to practice. And I will continue to give my love away each day. I will smile and say thank you when I wake. I will give myself to others and not hold back.

I will...
Scatter Joy.
Practice.
Be [a clearer] me. So that I may give it to you.

be you :: you are enough

there is no time to be someone other than who you are. 

[recently, i have been super good at presenting cliches, but as you see here, they're 
totally true and worth throwing around at any possible moment. YOLO.]

a lot of searching has gone on throughout my years. a lot of less-informed, more aimless (but essential) soul-searching. an almost insatiable thirst to understand my place and heart in the world around me. to know my purpose, to become great, to do the thing that i am supposed to do.
this searching has been messy on occasion, selfish on others... stupidly fun a lot of the time, and absolutely heartbreaking at other times.
life, lived at extremes- seems to be something i'm rather good at.

and now, the searching shall continue, ever forth.
each day i breathe the air on this earth, it will shall continue.
but certainly, it has changed.

it has become a deeper search, more on matters of the true spirit and my relationship to our God and to the energies and people's of this life and Universe. a complete desire to understand and sit in joy in my own life contently and truthfully. to just be me.

there is no longer a certain fear; a fear we seem to fight growing up. a fear of not fitting in, a fear of being misunderstood, a fear of not being liked, a fear of not being loved (the latter of the fears i think carries on with us, especially in to adulthood as we forge confusing waters and paddle blindly and horribly into "dating" and falling in and out of love...).

in some ways i suppose, these types of fears are destined to creep back in and tug at the spirit at times, misguiding the heart into a territory of confusion and loneliness. but if we are able to recognize and understand where these fears are coming from, a false place, they will only perch on the heart for a short time. as we get older and understand our true selves more, there is an underlying understanding that we are enough and that we can approve of ourselves and need not worry about the approval of others....
it is also possible that i just don't give a hoot anymore if anyone understands me or not. 

 because some people won't, and don't. and i am okay with that. they don't have to.

i'm weird as shit and super happy about it.

there are going to be people who love the fact that i am the way i am. 

those champions have become my biggest secret to my mojo... they help me understand that the fears that try to break me come from a false place, a place that our culture has created, a place that need not exist but is unfortunately growing fiercely. 

my weirdness, my strength and my champions remind me that:

i am enough.

and so are you. 

all things happen, as they should and when they will.

we become 'us' more and more each day, if we allow ourselves to engage in the process of searching, dreaming, doing, seeking and asking.

there is nothing we need do except love. 

to give our love away. 

to find useful, productive and powerful ways to give our love away each day. 

to show affection, kindness and genuine heart to those we care about and to all those around us.

i sometimes do not demonstrate this well. no one does. we are not perfect.

in fact, sometimes i think an antonym for 'perfect' is 'human.'

but that's kind of beautiful, right? 

because not being perfect leads way for grace. and grace is a blessing to bestow and have bestowed upon us. 

i have grown in crazy ways, i'm sure we all have. my life looks very, very different than it did 10 years ago. five years ago. even eight months ago.
i am falling in to my own existence and sitting comfortably with my own soul. or at least getting closer and feeling, for quite possibly the first time, absolute true joy.

wouldn't it be nice if we could all just learn to be ourselves? to give hugs when we wanted to? to show appreciation and affection with out feeling self-concious of others' thoughts or reactions? to not worry about judgements? to stop playing games? to talk with our true hearts? 

surround yourself with humans who understand and love you for who you are. humans that make you want to be a better one.

humans who are always growing and always learning.

these are the type of people who will help your spirit overcome unnecessary life fears. these are the ones who will encourage you to dream bigger and do things to accomplish dreamed dreams. these are the ones who will sit contently in joy with your weirdness and be totally okay with it.

why be someone else if you can just... be you? 

[this post may have been prompted by a particularly trying time in my life of being 'misunderstood' 

and/or made fun of for being me. but whatevs, haters gonna hate.]

learn, love and grow.
you are enough. 

recent thought obsessions on existence:

risk: our time is now.

the great: shel silverstein

sometimes we feel like shit.
for a long time.
it's confusing and it hurts.
sometimes it feels as if it will never go away.
it's okay to feel this way. at least we are feeling something- it is a sign of life, no matter how painful.

other times we feel great.
we are infinite and nothing can touch us.
the world is ours. we can accomplish our dreams.
remember these times for when your heart feels like shit- encourage the spirit to learn deeply from the downs and how to hold on to the greats.

up, down, over and across.
maybe we'll never be balanced. but at least we can learn to roll with the tide with joy deep within.



A word on my mind lately: risk. 
a word burnt in to my soul. plastered on the backs of my eyelids when i blink.
an actionable. a quest. a necessity.

we must take risks in this life... or else one day we'll look back and think, 'i should have/could have done so much much more.'

...and do you ever stop to think; we might not even live long enough to 'look back'?

there is a sense of urgency that should not overwhelm the spirit but gently propel it in to growth.
each. and. every. day.

take risks. crash and burn if you have to. just do it. 
find the courge. from somewhere. anywhere. fake it and feel scared... and then grow. 

embrace the thoughts that continuously swim with in your head: who the hell knows what they're doing anyway? what do i want to do? who am i? how the hell do i accomplish what i want to accomplish?
and then let them go. and just go about doing what it is you intuitively know you are supposed to do. 

swim out of your element.
weigh your wants and needs. live simply. be great. 

sometimes when i feel alone, i remember that no one knows what the fuck is going on. at least i tell myself this...... and then i remember to have a good time with it.

we can do anything. 
we will soar... if we allow ourselves to. 

(our time is now.)