Family and my Soul

Life when I was a child was insurmountably perfect. I operated under the belief that nothing could ever go wrong. No, more like simply, nothing was wrong. I don’t know if I was sheltered from bad things, maybe they were never talked about because I am sure they existed, or maybe I truly lived in a dream world where everyday was perfect. What I do know is that I look back on that childhood and realize that, more than anything, I am incredibly lucky.
I do not want to question if I was sheltered from the storm or told lies to protect my innocence, because to be truly honest, I am grateful for it if it were the case. I am an unbreakable machine of light and love because of that childhood. And I look at the world through positive eyes and with the happiest of hearts because of that childhood.
Every day was perfect and every experience was good. I do not remember sadness or difficulty as a child. I grew up in an ideal family, one that had everything but the white picket fence out the front. My older brother has always been my best friend, my mother and father have always been in the deepest of loves, and my dog was like one of the kids. We hardly ever fought and there were never enough hours in the day to play. My mother and father have believed in my brother and I since the day we were born, the communication was always open and the strict structure of family life was non-existent. God was never pushed on us, my father always believed that we would find our own faith, someway, somehow, no matter how far a long the line it would be, it would happen when and how it should.
My days were filled with laughter and play, creative time and movie sessions with the whole family. My cousins would always come to stay and my brother and I were the coolest kids in the neighborhood because we had a huge pool in the backyard. I grew up surrounded with the best of support systems one could ever ask for and was always told I would be something great.
My life as a child was perfect. And my life now continues to be perfect, only in a more mixed up way, a more complicated existence that only comes with growing up and becoming more complicated and intermixed with the world around you. I continue to lead a simple life in my heart but the world around me does not reflect the same. And consequently, I find myself swimming in the middle of what feels like something too big for me to comprehend. Sometimes I think the only thing I understand in this world is God. I guess that’s not so much of a bad thing but I feel so alone when there is nothing to grab on to in this life.
I do not wish to go back to my “perfect” childhood. In fact, I want nothing more than to continue on the path I have chosen for this day and tomorrow’s day. That is all that matters to me now, but I hold the memories of my perfect childhood close in my heart and let them comfort my soul when I feel lost.
In a way, I don’t think my perfect childhood has ever really gone away. I think I am still living it, only in grown up shoes with more responsibility and more of an idea of what sadness is. Nothing can shake my core though and those are the moments I truly believe that that perfect, happy little girl that still lives inside me. I don’t think she will ever go away and I pray to my God that she doesn’t. I need her. I believe in her because she believes in the innocence of the world. She believes in the trees and the moon, she believes that her father is the most incredible hero she has ever known and she believes her mother is the mother of the world. She knows the soul of her brother and knows that he is Glory Bound. She knows that she will make it through this and do it damn well.
I love that little girl because she reminds of the things I could easily forget. I do not want to forget her as I believe others have forgotten themselves. I never want that child to leave for then I know this life will be lost on me. I long to forever see the world through the eyes of that child and if I am continually reminded of her and the toughness that is wrapped around her core, I know everything will always be okay.
That little girl is the love of this world. I will forever dance in the sun and revel in her simple existence for she is what it means to be free and Good.
My childhood was perfect, and in a way, so is my adolescent-hood. And this is how I know I am always going to find that Something Greater that is always out there. When I feel as though I am faltering, when I feel as though the world is crashing down around me, I think of that little girl playing in the field with her big brothers, wanting nothing more than to laugh and play and love all day, and I am reminded of what this existence is all about.
It’s not about money or cars or showing skin and getting famous. It is about the love in your heart and the intentions of your soul. I pray that others still have a connection with their younger selves, and if they don’t, I pray that they will find it again someday.
There is a picture of me as a small child standing in my back yard wearing little red cowboy boots, a jean skirt, tank top over shirt, random jewelry and my hair frizzed out everywhere, I had obviously dressed myself that morning as all four year olds love to do. I am swinging a golf club the size of my body and laughing. That picture is my soul. And that little girl will never be forgotten. She was happy and perfect, beautiful with an insatiable appetite to learn about the world. She is the love of the world that I continue to learn about day in and day out.
Because of that little girl, I will continue to believe that I am living a perfect existence for the rest of my life.


[This is an excerpt from the book I am writing for National Novel Writer's Month]