risk: our time is now.

the great: shel silverstein

sometimes we feel like shit.
for a long time.
it's confusing and it hurts.
sometimes it feels as if it will never go away.
it's okay to feel this way. at least we are feeling something- it is a sign of life, no matter how painful.

other times we feel great.
we are infinite and nothing can touch us.
the world is ours. we can accomplish our dreams.
remember these times for when your heart feels like shit- encourage the spirit to learn deeply from the downs and how to hold on to the greats.

up, down, over and across.
maybe we'll never be balanced. but at least we can learn to roll with the tide with joy deep within.



A word on my mind lately: risk. 
a word burnt in to my soul. plastered on the backs of my eyelids when i blink.
an actionable. a quest. a necessity.

we must take risks in this life... or else one day we'll look back and think, 'i should have/could have done so much much more.'

...and do you ever stop to think; we might not even live long enough to 'look back'?

there is a sense of urgency that should not overwhelm the spirit but gently propel it in to growth.
each. and. every. day.

take risks. crash and burn if you have to. just do it. 
find the courge. from somewhere. anywhere. fake it and feel scared... and then grow. 

embrace the thoughts that continuously swim with in your head: who the hell knows what they're doing anyway? what do i want to do? who am i? how the hell do i accomplish what i want to accomplish?
and then let them go. and just go about doing what it is you intuitively know you are supposed to do. 

swim out of your element.
weigh your wants and needs. live simply. be great. 

sometimes when i feel alone, i remember that no one knows what the fuck is going on. at least i tell myself this...... and then i remember to have a good time with it.

we can do anything. 
we will soar... if we allow ourselves to. 

(our time is now.)

we are not the same age anymore... sad panda.

happy birthday to my champion brother.

(perhaps this is a good reminder.)

just know, that if i could, i would give you a parade like this..... 

[ her enthusiasm is unrivaled- you have big shoes to fill on your parade day, brotherrrr. ]

happy birthday, big brother.
mentor. friend. believer. bed-maker. inspiration. 

(i could make the list much, much longer, so i'll stop there)

//

Is the sun so selfish, because it will set now?

Is the wind a jerk because it change?

Would you call the earth an asshole

For turning 'round 'n' round you know,

It never ever stays in just one place.

//

love this beautiful hippie.
oh, this one's pretty good, too. 

damn right i support it.

Okay, I repped him last year here, but wanted to throw some more love out to our NW boy Macklemore and of course, the talented Ryan Lewis. 

This time there is a greater love, a deeper respect and a new obsession with what these boys are accomplishing. 

Whatever your view is on the subject, this track is about to make you feel stronger about pro-gay marriage, or it's about to make you reconsider why you're against it. 

damn right I support it. 

Cheers boys, cheers. 

do more than just exist: ponder, ask, create, love: deeply

i'm afraid that in the pursuit to understand myself deeply and to heal my heart, i have become self-centered and (temporarily) forgotten that our love for and through others, our relationship to others, is truly what makes the world go 'round. 

someone said something to me yesterday that really got at my soul. it made me think, it made me uneasy and it made me question if i am living the life i am supposed to be living; the life i want to be living, and the life i talk about living. i wrestled with understanding if it was true or if i was leading with a facade- am i really who people think i am?

i pondered what this person said to me all day and all night and in to this next day before writing this. 

i was told, "it's pretty evident that you exist for others.. you are a lover of people and that is remarkable."

twelve hours later i was told by someone whom i hardly speak to anymore, "you saw more in me than i saw in myself.. it's people like you who make this world a better place. you truly make a difference."

am i? do i? 

am i "remarkable"? do i love others? do i exist for them? 

do i love people as much as i could? do i give them all my love each day?

why is that these words of kindness seize up my heart instead of make it flourish and abound with love? actually, they totally do that, and i cannot even begin to put in to words what these compliments mean to my soul, but those feelings are entangled with guilt and fear. how is it that people can think this of me when i know i can do far more in my daily life; mentally, physically, spiritually and consciously, to make this world a better place. i can and want to do more. 

do i exist for others in the way that i want to or the way that others may perceive that i do? am i fulfilling my purpose and passions to help others and to enrich the lives around me? 

i don't know. 

i don't know if i exist for others as much as i would like. 

healing is essential. deeply understanding your own soul is always, extremely, essential. digging deep in to the roots of who you are. gnawing at the corners of your soul. flushing out. these are all things that must, at least in my case, be done. must be explored. 

but in doing so, have i forgotten others? have i forgotten that i can serve each day? that i can help in big and small ways? that i can do more to enrich my communities near and far? not only explore my dreams but to bring them to fruition through serving others passionately. 

have i become more interested in my own spiritual pursuit of happiness and fulfillment that i have forgotten that at the core of my own self's happiness is the happiness, well being and spirituality of others? am i serving enough? and am i praying enough? am i connected with others in the ways that i want to be? am i taking small steps each day to get to where i want to be in the future? 

hmmm...

have i started obsessing over who i want to be and forgotten how to get there? how to press in to that? what that looks like today?

welcome to my brain. 

-----------------------

so many oddly timed universal 'coincidences' have happened today. it's like the universe, and God, are collectively screaming at me... 'remember the important things. remember who you are. you are incredibly and beyond belief, blessed. you are a human- humans need to take some easy days. feed your soul and nothing else. you have a chance to start over each day. you can remember the light and the spirit that works from within. if you choose, your dreams are sitting there, waiting to be explored and realized, sent in to action. you can and will work your butt off. you need to start now but don't be hard on yourself for not starting before. why do you not continue the things that make you great? don't be hard on yourself for pausing such things- just start them again now and tomorrow and continue them for always. small steps each day will lead you to a point you never knew you could get to. there are a lot of people who could be affected by you. but most importantly, there are a lot of people who can affect you. embrace them. there are wee little lights all over this world, near and far, just waiting for a hug. you will get there. trust.' 

and then the universe screamed, 'you are enough. just be.' but i don't know if i listened completely. 

instead i thought, 'my soul hurts today... and that might be okay. at least i know i can feel something and that it's doing powerful, deep within me.' 

i chose to see Beasts of the Southern Wild tonight, and wow. i must say, that is one incredible film. there are so many things i could comment on, so many fitting narrations to go perfectly with my soul's feelings today and lot's of days, but this was one of my favorites: 

“This is the most important thing. That y’all learn to take care of the things that are smaller and sweeter than you.”

the universe has a funny way of handing us the answers. sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) God just says, 'okay, here ya go; you pondered, you thought, you asked, you sought... you shall receive.' 

there are a lot of wee ones smaller and sweeter than i, out there in this world. and for a long time i have thought these little lights are where my soul's purpose lies. let's hope i can learn something along the way and help some of them out. 

and in closing, this pretty much sums everything up perfectly; 

"I see that I am a little piece of a big, big universe, and that makes it right." 

-Hushpuppy, Beasts 

let the magic operate

:)

[photo cred: lexi meek @ burning man '12]

you say i'm a dreamer.....

there are two things i want in life right now....

1. ink for my typewriter so i can finally use it. 

ahh.. to type notes of sunshine & happiness each day.. 

aaaaaaaand...

2. to live in a van again.

soon. somewhere. anywhere. with friends & lovers. exploring. adventuring. living simply. to sell possessions & go. 

let's live in a van and give out hugs to the people we meet. we'll let their love change us, we'll never look back and we'll adventure in to places we've never been before- both on the road and in our souls. there is no one way we must live our lives so let's be what we are and do what we love. 

our souls tick only for certain things, it is our responsibility to keep these things alive in our hearts. 

so we'll live in a van and travel around and hand out typed notes of love and sunshine to people we meet who will change our souls. 

live. learn. love. 

really big life thoughts

Sometimes things seem to just hit you. Like, the seemingly obvious little things in life just jump right out and scream, "Well, duh. I've been here the whole time. My name is cliche and actually, I couldn't be more truthful." 

This has been happening to me a lot lately. Epitomes and revelations all up in my existence for months now. It's really, truly, mind-blowingly awesome. 

Here are some examples... the fact that:  

1. Life is really... real. And awesome

2. We are all going to die, and maybe tomorrow. 

3. A person should seize the day, Carpe the shit out of every diem. 

4. Everyone should stop playing games. Games are dumb and waste time. Just be yourself.

5. We are Infinite and really can do anything! (see older post, here) 

6. Love the people around you, speak with kindness and from your heart always.

7. We are blessed beyond belief and should try to keep in mind others whom are suffering in ways we cannot imagine. 

8. ...Does YOLO count?*

You know. Big life realizations. 

aaaaaand then common sense things like...

1. Tip your server well.

2. No matter how hard you deny it, it's always ridiculously fun to pretend you're in college again. 

3. Shut the fridge door when you're deciding what to drink. Do you know how much energy is wasted in the time it takes to decide such things? Some people don't even have fridges.

Okay, so that last one is actually a personal pet peeve of mine. And I've been known to get a little harsh on a person when they're just standing in front of a fridge with the door open! 

When in Haiti, I spent time with the Livesay family. They are absolutely wonderful, hearts of gold, fulfilling God's mission in a crazy way... all while raising five children, two of whom are adopted lil Haitian peanuts, in the middle of crazy Port-Au-Prince. Troy, the father, has been known to hear the fridge door opening from a completely different room in the house and yell, "Shut the door until you know what you're getting!" 

(Part of this is because Haiti's electricity and power system is positively ridiculous and most days the entire city's power unit goes down when overwhelmed... about four times per day. But he's totally right.... we need to consciously stop wasting so much energy.) 

But then, this morning I had an "Oh my goodness, I am a total hypocrite" moment. I realized that while 'suggesting' to others to make less of an impact on our Mother Earth, while signing petitions and protesting for rain forests and yelling at my mom to shut the fridge door, I totally brush my teeth in the shower every day! Instead of brushing in the sink, using water only when I need to rinse and spit, I have been using gallons of water from the shower head while selfishly brushing my teeth for two whole minutes!! Do you know how hard it is for me to understand why I never thought about this before?! I almost lost it... On myself. 

Then I realized that beating myself up, or anyone else for that matter, is not speaking with kindness from your heart (List One of Big Life Realizations above..) and could potentially just make matters worse. 

So instead of beating myself up, I decided to learn from my years of being a hypocritical-energy-waster and move forward. Today is a new day. And there will be no more brushing my teeth in the shower. 

That's it. That's my really big life thought of the day... 

Please remember that YOLO'ing in a smarter, more loving and selfless, less environmental impact-y, conscious sort of way is much, much cooler. Just sayin'.

Now that you're tired of my ranting, here's a picture of some whacky fruit. I guarantee getting a glimpse of banana's snuggling will make your life a whole lot better: 

the moon will always remind you to be the buddha. 

...all things are possible

It is amazing what starts to happen  

when we realize our potential and acknowledge that 

we really can do anything. 

We are limitless, 

our lives become so powerful and enriched 

when we understand our full potential and purposes.

he who finds OM in his heart

"Awakening from this dream, he was overwhelmed by a feeling of great sadness. It seemed to him that he had spent his life in a worthless and senseless manner; he retained nothing vital, nothing in any way precious or worth while. He stood alone, like a shipwrecked man on the shore.

..

When had he really been happy? When had he really experienced joy?

...

Then he had felt in his heart: "A path lies before you which you are called to follow. The gods await you." 

And again as a youth when his continually soaring goal had propelled him in and out of the crowds of similar seekers, when he had striven hard to understand the Brahmin's teachings, when every freshly acquired knowledge only engendered a new thirst, then again, in the midst of his thirst, in the midst of his efforts, he had thought: Onwards, onwards, this is your path. 

He had heard this voice when he had left his home and chosen the life of the Samanas, and again when he had left the Samanas and gone to the Perfect One, and also when he left him for the unknown.

How long was it now since he had heard this voice, since he had soared to any heights?

How flat and desolate his path had been! How many long years he had spent without any lofty goal, without any thirst, without any exaltation, content with small pleasures and yet never really satisfied! 

Without knowing it, he had endeavored and longed all these years to be like all these other people, like these children, and yet his life had been much more retched and poorer than theirs, for their aims were not his, nor their sorrows his. 

This whole world of the Kamaswami people had been a game to him, a dance, a comedy which one watches.

...

Were they not playing a game that had no end? Was it necessary to live for it?

...

Then Siddhartha knew that the game was finished, that he could play it no longer. A shudder passed through his body; he felt as if something had died."


[Currently reading Siddhartha and having my mind blown every other sentence. Even as a seeker, this book is much more than most things I have come across. So simple and true, yet complex and thought-provoking. I would encourage a read if you so wish, my lovelies] 

may you always seek. may you always find. may you always summon a courage from the strength & joy within, for strength & joy within are an unbroken string leading to the heavens. 

life is written by: you

be present : in adventure

this is on my mind today...

Juxtaposed perfectly with...

how does one balance two such ideas? 

how do you completely immerse yourself in where you are in your current state, 

yet dream big and be spontaneous? 

how does one keep their game face and productive hat on whilst 

whimsically dreaming with their head in the clouds? 

oh brain, how i love to hate you sometimes. 

intuitive impulsiveness

-or- 

irresponsible determination 

question of the day (?)

this is an edit to this post (aug 21st):

today, i've realized that the two are really one in the same. there is no better way to 'be all there' than to be spontaneous and truly live moment to moment. 

oh how lovely it is to love life deeply. 

be impulsive.

as long as it doesn't put others in harm's way. 

do what it is makes you truly happy. let your soul sing the song it's meant to sing. 

may you break free from whatever it is you think you're supposed to be doing... 

feel this world deeply in your bones. and smile with God. 

the wandering heron

the wandering heron
came in to my life at just the time i needed him

the wandering heron
perched in my heart's home
so ethereal in stature and size
only his humble beauty silently demanding attention from the trees around him

the wandering heron
freeing my heart from the depth
allowing my soul to perch atop his wings and take flight once more

the wandering heron
knowing the answers to everything i might ask
knowing all my heart may need
knowing the strength of my soul

the wandering heron
watching over his wetland as a lion does his pride

alone, the wandering heron stands

the wandering heron
never fluttering in surprise
never straying from the confidence he holds in his chest
always silently taking flight in the direction he knows he must go

keep going
the wandering heron speaks to me
keep going and going and going
know the ends of your truth
seek what it is you already know within yourself as i already know within myself
take me with you where you go
wander the earth, wander your own backyard
know that your truth will be a pathless land
know that you will find joy in your heart every step of the way

the wandering heron
assuring me that everything my soul has ever breathed to my heart is true

the wandering heron
gracefully allowing me to touch my own freedom
forever

the wandering heron
showing me the flight of joy
for eternity

fate:

coincidence tricking itself, always.
everything is but of grand plan and design.
everything is perfect as is, where is, at the time it is.

you can be nothing other than that of who you are.
do not deny others' of your extraordinary brilliance,
your light shines the way it does, the way it must.
the only way it knows how.

it is no coincidence you are you.
it is no coincidence your journey is as it has been.
it is nothing short of a beautiful, magical, perfectly-timed fate.

a fate of which you can allow yourself to give in to.
ah yes. then, and only then, does the world become truly brilliant in color.
a moving experience bringing you to tears and laughter each day.

give in. live in joy.
smile at your fated, joyful existence.

starseed

share your dreams

for stars do not hang in the sky alone

they do not remain unlit

for fear that one day they might fall

no

they shine, together

bright enough for the sky to be lit, even when it is dark. 

your journey..

..is as it should be. 

if you hold a pinecone

i am starting to think i have perma-writer's block. and that's a crazy weird thing for a self-proclaimed 'writer' to say. i haven't written consistently in over a year and when i open my moleskin or this blog page, i just stare into the blankness.
i let my mind wander to other things. i allow myself to dream, but cannot seem to express any of it outside of my own head and heart. my fingertips have become lazy, my mind scattered.


i have allowed myself to become fully engulfed in absolute, true, pure joy.
and God damn. is it beautiful.  

i have no excuse for the entire 16 months i haven't written anything except to-do that promptly do not 'get done' and end up crumpled on my bedroom floor. but hey, at least i write them? with good intention.

but lately... ahhh, lately... my joy has become overwhelming. so much so that it has squandered any ability i have had to get anything done.
don't get me wrong, i am still productive. ridiculously so, actually. (so this is where you are thinking, 'well, wait, that doesn't make any sense..')
but here's what's going on. I am getting things done, i am taking great care of myself and my responsibilities, i am tying up loose ends from years of neglect, i am learning each day and i am JOYFUL.

and i can do nothing but soak it up. i find myself sitting on the porch in the sun after my routine morning meditation or after a run and just thinking. sitting. thinking. dreaming. pondering. scheming. smiling.
literally smiling. many times on runs in the past few weeks i have caught myself laughing or smiling at a thought i have completely surrounded my brain with. my heart feels like it is literally coming out of my chest. my joy is overflowing. and it's crazy awesome.
my soul is growing each and every day and sometimes i feel like the best way to support that process is to sit on the porch in the sun and be thankful whilst seemingly 'doing nothing.'

i am really hoping that any ability i once possessed to express thought through written word will make it's way back in to my brain. ideas and positive thoughts are just swimming in there. waiting to be expressed.
but what if words simply cannot express an overwhelming amount of joy for life in general?
life is ridiculously beautiful, i don't know how words could ever do it justice.

when i think of 'things' or descriptions i always think of the part in Jack Kerouac's Dharma Bums where he is holding the pine cone in his hand in front of the small child. he speaks of labels. the pinecone is only a pinecone because we've named it a pinecone. but what makes it a pinecone? what is a pinecone anyway?

what is life any way? why label it.

we can get so much out of life. it is just begging us to explore.

it's kind of crazy what happens when we decide to be happy. to be joyful.
to live in joy. 

it's really an amazing experience. life is.
begging us to explore, to dig deeper, to be more present, to love more and laugh often.
it is begging us to ask questions and to learn from the answers, to move away from people and things that don't give our hearts joy, to smile at strangers and get to know our surroundings.

open your eyes. look around. be intentional about the things you choose to fill your day with.
what purpose are you living for? what is your contribution to this magical mess?
there is a light given to us all upon creation. it is meant for good. we can be good. all of us. and we are.

take care of your spirit. feed your soul. love always and forget things that have hurt.
say good bye to your inner critic- tell him there is no room for two in your head.
believe that each day is a miracle. no- really, really, believe that each day is a miracle, because it absolutely is. 
soak in the sun and dance in the rain.
dream bigger than your brain can imagine, because that will fulfill your heart.
set goals and try your hardest to attain them.
be easy on yourself if you don't reach said goals, set new ones, learn from unmet ones, recalculate priorities, desires and dreams.

you really can do anything you set your head and heart to.
you can live each day like it's the best day ever. it is. 

explore.
get out.
see. do. smell. touch. talk. taste. walk. run. breathe. swim. skip. look. dance. hike. wink.

love everything.

fam love

this was a good day. 

i think it's true love. #nobutforreal

brother/sister love forever and ever.

so thankful for family and friends. for love and for life. 

(we were all blessed to know the light of mrs. beth timm. the angels have just met their match.)

rasta prophet

“The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively.”


(found this one on Bob Marley's Facebook page this morning. you can find a lot of inspirational happenings there.)


#photoinspiration day three

thankyou to the inspirational... E-40?

#photoinspiration day two

always. growing. always.

#photoinspiration day one

borrowed words

from i wrote this for you:
Understand that, the prisons you've built are of your own design.

Understand that, you should be the person you wanted to be when you woke up this morning.

Understand that, the world desperately wants to love you, if you'll let it.

Understand that, you deserve that love, even if you don't feel like it.

Understand that, love can hit a planet like a comet.

Understand that, the rain can unrain, if you want it to.


(and friend posted a link to this blog earlier. i love it. so much of it i love. it's so compelling and raw and true. check it: http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/)

intentions.

is it not then, the purest of God's intention
that we live childlike
and in ignorance of Him? 

that goodness is a product of our being,
our creation
and not our intense self-indulgant self-awareness?

woe be to the faithful
for He calls them to Freedom.

Sometimes people forget their own greatness. It's up to you to love them back into the person you know them to be.

everyday.

what a day today is.
our greatest gift, our greatest blessing of each day is the moment in which our eyes open.
we are here. we are alive.
and what a beautiful, beautiful miracle that is.

no matter what we may be going through; the battles, the personal demons, the hardships we are facing, we must always try to keep in our minds and hearts that we are here and for that, God is great.

The Universe has blessed us with one more day and it is all we have.
When we wake up feeling thankful to be here, the world becomes a little more magical, a little more wonderful, a little more tangible and glorious.

it's always a good day to have a good day.

escape to the top

i want to escape here: 

stay for a while in the presence of God and my own soul. 

mmm, nice.

fire lookout - Cascades, WA.

a gentle reminder

Go easy.
You may have to push forward, but you don't have to push so hard.
Go in gentleness, go in peace. 


Do not be in so much of a hurry. At no day, no hour, no time are you required to do more than you can do in peace. 


Frantic behaviors and urgency are not a foundation for a way of life. 


Do not be in too much of a hurry to begin. Begin, but do not force the beginning if it is not time. Beginnings will arrive soon enough.


Enjoy and relish middles, the heart of the matter. 


Do not be in too much of a hurry to finish. You may be almost done but enjoy the final moments. Give yourself fully to those moments so that you may give and get all there is. 


Let the pace flow naturally. Move forward.
Start. 
Keep moving forward. Do it gently, though. 


Do it in peace. 
Cherish each moment. 


-Melody Beattie 


Go easy on yourself and go with grace.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our obligations, our busy schedules, our lists of the 'things we absolutely must get done' and we forget about living. We forget that each breath we take is a miracle. We forget to say 'thank you' and smile when we first open our eyes in the morning. We forget how wonderful it is to just be.
(I know I am guilty of all of these things on many occasions.)

We must trust that things are going to work out, that we are a beautiful creation that has a deep spiritual purpose in this life and that being here is no accident.

We must go easy. Slow down. Breathe. Smile. Cherish who and what we have, the experiences of the every day. Each day.

what would a girl do with out her dad?

:: someone said to me today ::

"it's never what you face but always how you handle it."

that someone was my father.

my amazing, brilliant, strong, loving, best friend of a father. he has helped me through so much. he has remained calm in the face of my anger, comforting in the face of my tears and understanding in the face of my hardest moments in life.

i am working on 'handling' life's 'situations' in a strong and reasonable way. and with a happy heart.

a true experiment of life; our only shot.

em:barking on what is 'up'

and now, a p-p-poem of sorts::

and now we embark, yet again
seemingly falling, crashing perhaps
but maybe we are just turned right side up and are actually falling toward the sky
and all the possibilities only 'up' can manifest.

she hung upside-down long enough
she began to believe she could walk on the sky.

today's possibilities are endless
worry less.

i am currently sitting outside in the sun, with leggings and a t-shirt on... In February... In Portland, Oregon.

What? wonderful.

Let's all just pause a moment and smile. Laugh. Hug the Earth and thank the Universe and all her power for giving us this day.

i am also currently unemployed. as of yesterday. and i've never been happier or more okay with a decision in my life. that was a hard ledge to jump off of. but, i trust that i have a parachute of some sort strapped to my back because i'm already off the edge!

i have been completely trapped for months. tied to a job i absolutely hated because it paid the bills. it was making me feel stifled, angry, resentful, bitter, tired, sloth-like and moody. that's a lot of shit i am not used to feeling. and for months, these feelings put me to bed at night and woke me up in the morning.

my soul needed a way out. it had been calling to me for so long to feed it with something worth feeling. something worth doing. something worth waking up in the morning for (not that my life and my loved ones aren't enough for that- but it needed more).

i don't enjoy admitting that my feelings were massively tied to a place of employment, but it's the truth. and for a lot of us, it's the truth.

WAKE UP is what it called to me. take a leap.

no, i don't know if i'll be okay.

no, i don't have any money.

and no, i don't know if my decision was the right one.

but what i do know it was imperative that i gave it a shot. i am trusting the universe today and every day. i am working on dis-attaching myself to the things that make this crazy society spin. i am revolting in joy and in faith.

i am loving and nurturing my soul. and it's awesome.

thank you.

i love this journey!