A Reflection of my Path

I applied for a grant to help me pay for my yoga program coming up this spring. There were no detailed requirements, just that you wrote a letter explaining why you are wanting to continue your education the way you are. 

The scholarship was through my sorority. Yup. Me. In a sorority. People are often surprised by this but I have nothing but pride and love for my house and my experience. It taught me how to be a leader and it opened my path to necessary life skills such as; working in community, respecting others, responsibility and holding true to my personal integrity. 

A sisterhood. True friendships (a lot of my closest friends today were my sisters in college). We had a pretty good time, got a little silly, held each other accountable and supported the endeavors of our fellow housemates. 

An experience that I am thankful for everyday.

I've decided to share the letter I wrote. Honestly this is probably just for my own benefit, it's more of a reflection of my path and an overview of the steps I took to reach my today. I like to think I can look back on the lessons I've learned and be thankful for where I am, using my past to feel gratitude and to feel confident in my future without constantly worrying about it.

I can remember the day my real, true spiritual journey began. I was attending the University of Oregon and was in my second year as a Chi Omega. I was a junior by standing as I had joined the house a year late. I believe that joining late was an advantage for me, one that allowed me to enjoy my own pledge class but also connect with the girls in the pledge class above me who were my age in school. I reveled in my new found role in the house, I brought the energy of the 'new kid' but was seasoned in understanding what college was all about. I was cultivating deep relationships with all sorts of girls and getting a taste for responsibility other than making it to my 9 am classes. It took work to learn how to live with 55 girls (I moved in to the house a week after Bid Day!) and it took even more work to uphold the values of a Chi Omega, which I resonated strongly with.

It helped make me who I am today. It laid a strong foundation under my spiritual progression, one of service, dedication, strength and honor. I think the first time I truly learned to honor myself as a woman was in those first two years as a Chi Omega. I learned that not only was it okay to be a strong woman, but that I could achieve anything I wanted if I worked hard enough and stayed true to my personal integrity. To be womanly always, for a girl who was raised by mostly boys, was freeing and enlightening.

Although hard for me to admit, Chi Omega was my first true lesson in community service and upholding the values of service in daily life. I had done some community service throughout my younger years but never took it seriously enough. It was during my time as a junior in the house, when it started to resonate and the gifts of service started laying themselves on my heart as something I could no longer push aside. I remember the questions starting to raise their heads; 'why are we here?' 'what am I doing?' 'what am I here for?’ ‘There has to be more to it and I have to find out.' During my junior and senior years I started having these kinds of conversations with my sisters and friends. It was also a time when I decided I wanted to see the world by way of studying abroad.

I studied abroad in Australia, which in turn lead me back after graduation. That's when the spiritual adventure really became my focus. I was constantly seeking, asking questions, never satisfied. I was always wanting more and couldn't read enough, write enough, paint, run, make pottery, learn Spanish, converse or learn enough. I was like a human sponge trying to understand my place in the world. I thought I would find the answer outside of myself; I thought it may come from a teacher, a friend, a guru, a half marathon course, swimming in the ocean or reading book after book. What I wasn't able to understand was that the answer was within and that is where I was truly seeking.

So, as I sought, I became restless. During a particular time of restlessness I looked up service programs and short missions trips somewhere close to Australia. By coincidence, fate, or Divine intervention, the same day I was Googling service programs, I met a Canadian girl and she explained to me that she had been in Asia for six months and really wanted to go back to work in an orphanage in Cambodia. I was sold. Three days later I had my plane tickets, my work in Australia was put on hold and three weeks later I was off. I had never experienced life in a developing country and I was keen to see what it would offer me. What I wasn't prepared for was that it would offer me my true heart.

That first day we adventured to the orphanage is a joyful memory embedded on my heart for the rest of my days. The children changed everything about me in about 30 seconds. Only, it took much longer than 30 seconds to sink in. After my experience of selflessly serving 73 children who essentially had nothing but joy, my heart's passion was once more alit and stoked, and the urgency of my seeking only became more intense. I knew I wanted to help, I knew I wanted to give and I knew I had (literally) been born into a life that would allow me to do so, somehow.

After settling in Australia for a little over a year, I moved to New Zealand and resided in a very small town on the south island. I only tell the story of my history because it has brought me to the point I stand today, knowing that I want to dedicate my life, my energy, my passion and my love to others. I see no other way to live my life and I feel infinitely blessed to be given the challenge.

One day, in this tiny town in New Zealand, my restless heart kept calling me to get away. So I borrowed a friend's car and drove to another town about two hours away. During this time I was relentlessly asking myself the big 'what is my purpose?' questions and desperately seeking an answer I could make sense of. I knew the kids in Cambodia had changed my life, I knew that I loved people and I knew that there was some sense of 'wanting to make the world a better place' imprinted on my heart. But I was lost. I was lost and eager to find my calling. Looking back, I love that in this time the universe was teaching me patience and strength by allowing me to walk this spiritual journey for so long. As I sat in a park overlooking a beautiful lake, asking myself the endless questions and drawing in my journal, I look over and see the town's monument. Glaring down at me like a big flashing sign, older than anything in the town, the only words inscribed on the whole monument read, 'Service Above Self.' And I knew.

I knew what it was I was here to do. I knew I had to serve.

Then came more searching for the 'how'. Frankly, it terrified me. Imagine knowing, at 24, that you were going to have to sacrifice certain things and give up other things for the goodness of others. I didn't quite know what to do with all of that.

The time came for me to move home to Portland, Oregon and I left my non-kin, beloved families in Australia and New Zealand to embark on the journey home and into 'real life.'

I've never really believed that people had to conform to this so called 'real life' thing but I didn't know what else to do so I moved home, flat broke, and still confused. I moved in with my parents and took a job to pay the bills, but sought the 'how' more each day. Immediately after moving home I took my first official yoga class. And it was bliss. Looking back on it, I think part of me knew I wanted to become a teacher that first day. My intuition tugged at my heartstrings and I felt that passion rise up again. I got into a routine and went to class 3-5 per week. But what's more than that was the connection I felt between my desire to serve and my heart during my practice. It was as if love was literally emanating from my being. I couldn't love people enough, I couldn't hold enough joy within. I was slowly making that connection that my desire to serve and my passion for yoga could potentially be intertwined.

My first yoga class was almost four years ago and I still feel the same way today as I did in that first class. I have never left a practice feeling anything but gratitude, love, strength, honor, passion and joy.

And that is why I want to teach. I want to be able to give those gifts to my community and my world. I want to be able to share those feelings with others, help them open their hearts and help make the world a more loving place. It is no secret that the world we live in could use a little more love, and I intend on giving that through my chance to teach such a sacred practice.

When I am consistently practicing, everything is clearer. Not only when I am on the mat, but much clearer and calmer when I am off the mat. Everything settles in, settles down.

Yoga saves me from my own brain. It helps ease the pain my heart feels for the suffering in the world. It brings me joy and allows me to let go of things I don't know how else to let go of. It assures me that there is actually something I can do to make the world a better place. It relieves my almost constant need to be hard on myself.

There is something that connects my heart, my mind and my soul within the four corners of that mat. And it is a true blessing.

I understand the things going on in the world around me when I practice yoga and meditation. Everything becomes simpler. I understand love. It flows from everything. I understand service. There is nothing I yearn for more but to give myself to others. I can feel joy and can revel in the space of purity and goodness for the duration of a session and then throughout my day. Sometimes this joy is literally bursting from the seems of my heart, I can do nothing but laugh or smile or hug people or wiggle around as if my heart may jump from my chest at any moment.

It's like a really good friend who makes you laugh. Or therapy. It's like hiking, or a sunny day, a road trip with no agenda, love between two hearts, a hug shared with your mama, a piece of chocolate and a good cup of tea, a book you can't put down. It's like standing in the middle of everything and everyone you've ever known and shining your light around the circle. It is a blessing. 

And that is the reason I want to become a teacher of yoga and the physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health it can give to this world.

My spiritual journey began on a day in late October in Chi Omega when the seeking could no longer be ignored. It continued through my study abroad and my journeys back to such amazing countries. It continued in my heart each and every day and it found a true outlet on a yoga mat. My spiritual journey will always continue and it is my intention to follow my passions and continue to learn, so I may give those things to the world, one class at a time.

It would be an honor to receive this scholarship to help pave the way in the beginning of such a journey. Over the last few years I have continued to give myself to the nonprofit world. I have made sacrifices to serve and do what fulfills me each day. When I am serving and attempting to make the world a little better, I find my heart’s content. For sake of repetition I will say that my employer’s letter states my financial need pretty well. I believe in what I am doing, even when that comes with financial sacrifice. It is an honor to run Wearshare50/50 and help nonprofits spread awareness and raise funding for their causes each day. Because the program, and the company, is a small start up, it has not been a lucrative position for me. But people are more valuable than money and I know what I am doing is right. This educational grant will allow me to gain the resources I need to continue to serve my fellow brothers and sisters. It will allow me to empower others through the gifts of yoga, positivity and healthy lifestyle choices.

I truly do not believe I'd be where I am if it weren't for the support of my sisters, the strength of a forever sisterhood, or the spirit of service Chi Omega awakened in my heart. I am blessed, either way, to have gotten to share my story with you and hope that this letter finds you well and in a place of inspiration to make the world a little brighter today and everyday. 

Namaste.