believe

what do you do when there is nothing to do but believe in yourself?

believe in yourself always.
believe in God forever.
believe in love because you have to.

there are a lot of good things happening each day. working toward a bigger goal, a better way of life for others. the contentedness of my heart leads me to believe that i am doing just fine. a new faith and a clearer vision have led me to truly believe in the grace of God and the goodness that i am called upon to move with throughout this b e a u t i f u l existence.

life is good. because everything is following the path it is supposed to. i am confident in this.

but sometimes i wish i did not feel so much. i do not wish to feel what others have given me. all things are brought to a person as they should be, with reason and purpose. so, without being regretful of anything i want to not remember certain things. i want to have things taken back. someone else can have them, for they may have never been truly meant for my heart. with no explanation and with no heart, with no human consciousness whatsoever, my heart is easily ignored.

with the good of this world, my world, there is bad. there is confusion and there is sorrow. and someone else may have those too. so today i am giving it all back. and only keeping in my heart the truth of what everything means. i am giving back what sometimes i feel i didn't deserve. but i only know i never have to ask 'why me?' for i already believe that there is a greater meaning to everything. with the pain of experience comes the search for something greater. i am constantly searching for Something Greater, and always finding it.

forgive. and be grateful. if for nothing else but your own heart. know that your world would not be the same with out each and every experience, no matter how difficult or how grand.

i already know i am human, capable of feeling to the depths of my soul. that has already been tested. and from now on, i only wish for goodness.

'thank you'

i have always been profoundly affected by people's words and actions towards me. sometimes i don't think people know how much they affect me. i, and many others, have been given advice and read many times that one should not worry about what others think, feel or say. that we should not be affected by what others choose to do. i personally don't know how to do that. only when it concerns me, am i affected, but i am affected nonetheless. maybe that's a good thing and maybe that's bad thing. i don't know. all i know is that people have a great deal of effect on me. i have never changed the way i am for anyone, and i never would. but i think all normal humans give thought to the words of others.

sometimes we deserve the way we are treated. and sometimes we don't. it is a mystery why certain things happen to us when we feel as though we do not deserve them.

but right now i am mainly concerned with the love and understanding people have shown to me in my lifetime. sometimes i think the words 'thank you' are simply just not enough. how do those two words express the gratitude i feel in my heart for a positive, inspiring or uplifting comment by a friend or stranger? positive thought, action and acknowledgment mean so much more than one generally gives thought to.

it's a similar thought to the idea that the words 'i love you' could never express what that truly feels like. only by being madly, passionately and stupidly in love, showing that through words and actions, throwing out all judgement and breaking down all walls, can one convey their message. and sometimes you don't even know if that truly tells the love story of your soul. so how can a simple 'thank you' express the way i feel towards many, many people in my life? i don't know. i don't know where to begin. i have an overwhelming amount of love for the people i've been blessed to cross paths with, and it is hard for me to forget any. there have been so many small and seemingly insignificant run-ins that i will truly never forget. there have also been very big events that have occurred over the years and i am so thankful for people's love and support through all of it, good and bad. it's like i say i am interested in 'the little things in life, the big things in life.' and others have had a profound effect on all things in my life.

i received a little boy today. well, a picture of a little boy. back in january i did work with an organization called living water international. i took a two week challenge and abstained from drinking anything but water for two weeks, raising awareness and money to build water wells in third world countries where they have no access to clean water. after all was said and done, $1,085 later (a HUGE thank you to everyone who pitched in, my heart is filled ever bigger because of you) i suggested the houston based organization increase it's presence in the pacNW. this is now in the works and an office will open in late spring of 2011. :) i have been asked to stay involved and have received only a few emails from the directors thanking me and giving me small updates on the projected move. today, i received a hand-written card thanking me for wanting to help with the move and transition and a 3x5 snapshot, taken personally by my director, of a little el salvadorian boy drinking clean water from a well that was recently dug in his village. this picture is, yes friends, worth a thousands words. a thousands thank you's, a thousand hugs, a thousand tears of gratitude and joy. this picture will (again) forever change my life. i will see these children in person one day and help build wells in their villages and teach hygiene classes to their peers. i will thank them profusely for coming into my life and they will do the same. each one of us never really knowing the true impact we've had on the other.

people will treat you shitty. people you love will hurt you. you will not deserve this but it will happen. now i know that all that matters is that i let people know how much they mean to me and try to convey how thankful i am. i will continue to fill my own heart with gratitude through my love for others. i will always look at this little boy drinking this clean water and think, 'thank you for coming into my life.'

[the photo above is Elsal, the little boy i was sent in the mail. all info regarding living water international can be found on their site: http://www.water.cc/ please visit to get involved]

We choose our own path; our own greatness

I want to be so many great things.

I want to be great.

I want to make a difference in the people's lives around me.

I want to change the world. Make it a better place.

I want to continue to create my vision each and every day.

I want to know what it feels like to be loved.

I want to wake up every day and smile. And say thank you.

I want to know there is a God.

I want to feel the love of the world. The love I feel after a yoga session.

I want to be an inspiration. And be inspired.

I want to continue to believe that everyone has an incredible story and an amazing soul.

I want to understand grief and sadness and the human heart.

I want to be a success. My own idea of success.

I want to continue to be free and make my own decisions.

I want to always know that I am the creator of my destiny. I walk my own path.

I want to know about high vibrations in order to manifest only the best intentions.

I want to learn everyday and never let my mind become lazy.

I want to always play. And wag.

I want to believe in my heart again.

If it is good and true, let us never deny ourselves what we truly want or need. Let everything be simple. Listen to the intuition, for your heart already knows everything. Your greatest intentions always come from the heart. Be true. Manifest positive light and positive light will come. The key is in manifesting. Manifestation of a higher consciousness. Understanding our mission, our life's goal, our work, seems like an unknown and difficult task. But if we quiet our heart and listen, we will hear what it has been trying to tell us. The goal should be simple.

I have found mine. I have also spent the better part of three years feeling lost. And confused. Small and insignificant. I have taken a path that has only brought me the greatest of rewards and no experience of which I regret.


It is a crazy thing to stand on stage to accept your diploma on graduation day with only one thought in your head; "I don't want to do what I've gone to school for." Pretty scary. And a little disheartening. Why couldn't I just be like the kids who knew exactly what they wanted to be when they grew up? The ones that had it all figured out?

My journey was always different. And probably always will be. I am free of judgement to any other type of path chosen. I understand that everyone must go their own way, there is a point and meaning to every which way we turn. The world would not work if things were any different. But my journey, my path, was always going to be a difficult one. One I would choose to forge alone three years ago when I stepped on that plane to cross the big blue sea. I am not some crazy, irresponsible kid that just 'doesn't want to grow up and get a big kid job.' In my opinion, I am far from it. I am learning and manifesting all the time, cultivating the best of intentions and a heart of compassion. I am learning and I am experiencing what I have decided is important for my own journey. And because of it, I am who I am today. I am already dedicating myself to what I consider my life's purpose. Some people laugh at me when I say that my goal is simple, it is to help children and make the world a better place. Through choosing Service Above Self I know my own life will be enriched in the ways I long for.

I hope someday I can be an inspiration to others to do the same. Your journey won't look the same as mine, and that's fine. It just needs to be the journey that you want it to be. We only get one shot at this so let's do it right. love without fear. Love cannot and will not fail. Feel every emotion that stirs inside of you. Feel awakened by the sense of these emotions. Look at the world and learn to love every little bit of it that you can. Don't let the words of others change your heart or your attitude or your belief in anything.

Life is good. Ridiculously hard sometimes, but always good. Don't be afraid to stumble and fall. It's the only way to learn.

So I really am writing a book...

Well, I am writing, a real book. 50,000 words of "fiction" (for this project fiction can be defined as anything I want it to be, really), in one month. And I'm stoked about it!

It's not the type of book that I continue to say I am going to write. That crazy, inspirational, random piece of artwork that I will someday publish. But I figure this is an excellent way to get my creative juices flowing and my fingers writing! I am in desperate need of a challenge, something to expand my mind and push me. I want that feeling that I had back in college of having to create some good shit in a timely fashion, freaking out about meeting deadlines, winging it at 4 in the morning and then producing something and acting like your genius idea was planned from the beginning.

I want to write. I want to be inspired. I want to feel the push of creativity in my own mind.

No doubt I will write a whole lot of garbage. 50,000 words, for people who aren't journalistically savvy, is 175 pages. In 30 days. That's nearly 6 pages (or 1,665 words) per day. NaNoWriMo encourages us "novelists" (haha...) to only worry about output. Only write, do not edit. Editing is for December when the project is done with. so a whole lot of output from a crazy brain like mine might = a whole lot of crazy garbage and random and ridiculous prose.


So here's to November. And to me becoming a novelist.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/
If anyone is interested please, by all means, sign up to do this with me! =)

27: a good year

happy birthday to my champion brother.

you have always been a mentor to me. one of my biggest fans. one of my best friends. someone i look up to. a good soul. a visionary prophet. and one of very few people i have always looked at and thought, "damn i wish i was as cool as him."

i love you because in my eyes, no matter what, you're a fucking champion.

yes this is a miracle. life.

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life..."

have no fear for givin' in
have no fear for givin' over
you better know that in the end
it's better to say too much
than to never say what you needed to say again

a serendipitous approach to life.

everything is perfect through it's inability to be... perfect.

a few months back i met two people on a plane. on this day, i will say without shame, i was feeling particularly down and sorry for myself. you see, the problem with being so observant in my own head is, i know when i am feeling sorry for myself and sometimes i let myself be aware of the emotion instead of changing it. so... on this day, while feeling sorry for myself, i was anxious to get to los angeles where my brother was waiting for me. little did i know that it would take me two more planes, a bus, one hellishly long customer service line, a tiff with a fat man (i'm sorry but that is just my way of getting back at him for being mean to me in the wee hours of the morning) and a short cap nap in a lonely hotel room in san francisco to actually get to him- just in time to "make it to the church on time" for a dear friend's wedding. if i would not have met these two people, i would have thought this was the worst journey ever (this is what happens when people start the terrible habit of feeling sorry for themselves, which always snowballs into, "my life sucks"). although i was tired and running out of patience, i had so much to contemplate. where did these two people come from and why were they sitting next me? it was awesome!

....However, in my extreme efforts to sit by the window and be as antisocial as humanly possible, i forgot one thing- my inability to be antisocial... so without cause, i (or they, i don't really remember) strike up a conversation thus turning into one inspiring hour long wait on the tarmack and two hour flight to SFO. bill and sarah, as it turns out, were having some issues with happiness in their day-to-day lives. bill working too much and hating his job, sarah loving hers but could leave it any moment for something more inspiring and upset with bill's dislike for his work, which was turning into his dislike for a lot of things. six hours prior to our meeting, sarah was fed up and said, "fine, if you could go anywhere you wanted, right now, go to the airport and get on a plane, where would you go?" bill's reply, "new zealand" .......Ahhhhhhh, and there my friends is the connection, the serendipity i find in this first meeting with two very inspiring souls (he tells me later he doesn't even really know why he said it but has always wanted to go to NZ and australia). "New Zealand?" I say... "crazy, i lived there for nearly a year, and before that australia" (insert 'holy shit' moment here'). so we start talking about life and passion and truth and wander. this turns in to conversations about true happiness and meaning, a service bigger than the self. we talk the entire plane ride and as i am leaving the plane (to find out the obvious; i've missed my connecting flight because of the delay) they are wishing me well with all my life's adventures and giving me their contact information, telling me that i have inspired them to get out there and follow their dreams, to make a difference by making a difference in their own lives!

i leave feeling refreshed. inspired. i leave with a profound sense of meaning. that i am doing the right thing. these two people have no idea who i am but they have encouraged me to follow my dream as i am trying to do. they have instilled in me a sense that i am doing it right. i am living my life the way i believe. the way i want to live it.

we will all do this differently. this living thing. but we must all do it WELL. and we must not judge the way others decide to do it, we can only hope that everyone is doing it the way they want to be doing it. living it truthfully. listening to the way their own heart speaks to them. it cannot be done any other way.

good discoveries always seem to happen by accident. it was a crazy random meeting with two people who i had seemingly no connection to. two people who end up being more like-minded to me than some of my friends. they were there as a reassurance that everything was and is happening for a reason, on a true path, just when it is supposed to be happening.
i am doing my own 'right way.' no matter how imperfect it may seem to others.