haiti: mesi anpil

my entire being has been transformed. yet again.. and profoundly.

my heart has been opened to a country and her people that i believe we (here in the 'first world') could learn a lot from. a country of hope and joy. a country of continued and endless faith. a country with more passion, intent and a collective vision to live better than they already are. there is an underlying constant energy flow toward improving their way of life that is very pure. very innocent in the sense that they do not let their current conditions discourage them from creating the hope for a better tomorrow.

the haitian spirit, their heart and their never-ending belief that things are going to get better only because they have the power to make them better, is like nothing i have experienced before. i have allowed this spirit to fill my core, saturate my heart and strengthen my own belief in life.

haiti is somewhere i may have never experienced if it weren't for the earthquake and yet, i find myself coming back from my first trip with the thought,

'my life would have never been complete with out those people and experiences... and i never would have known it.'

i am filled with gratitude for the things i experienced in our nine days. i have never loved something more wholly as i do that country, and i have never loved anything with my whole heart as i do her people.

We had worked for an entire year getting ready for the trip. i must say, three women in our group made it all happen every step of the way and i appreciate them very much for their hard work. our management team as a whole put countless hours and energy in to a project we knew we had to believe in. in our year of preparing, we were individuals working toward a common idea. we came back a team with a mission as deep as our hearts could grow. even feeling connected with those who did not get to experience Haiti in person. we have become a family with a common love and a desire to help the Haitian people gain skills they can use to improve their owns lives.

i am moved to tears when i think about the smiles i have seen in haiti. my heart is filled with joy and understanding when i think of the children holding my hands and looking up into mine with a giggle and a sense of satisfaction in knowing that we have connected in some unspoken way. our skin is different, our language is different, our economical status is different and yet there is some underlying understanding that we are all the same. we share the same thought, the same love in our hearts for the people around us and in our own lives.

until now, i have been lost. three years of purposeful lost-ness. intentionally wandering, looking for light and love and strength in this beautiful world. looking for understanding and meaning in crowded classrooms or bars where all i felt was an aching abandon in my own heart. a longing to fill the empty space that sat in my chest, a sense of wanting to understand what it was i was supposed to be doing in the eyes of God and the heart of mother nature in this world. why was my being created? why was i brought up in a loving family, in the midst of this crazy place we call the world? what was it that ached inside me, yearning for something more? longing for purpose and meaning and truth and light.

i have found this is haiti.

i have found truth in my belief in my being and in my mission. i have been reassured that i am on the right path and that my true reward will come when i am giving, not receiving. because when you give, you receive more than you could have ever imagined and that is enough to fill the spirit of ten thousand men... or just one girl from portland, oregon. :)

haiti is the beginning. i have found reassurance in my dreams in the eyes of the people i have been touched by in haiti. i have come back with a greater sense that what i am trying to do is right. for the last few years i have been very intentional in the way i was learning and growing. i knew that i was doing every thing so i could get to this point (and this will never stop).

I was intentionally lost so that i could find myself.

it is only the beautiful beginning of a life of passionate service work. i welcome it fully and i thank haiti for clarifying this dream and opening the gates to my nirvana.

i have never felt as if i was doing anything so right as what i am doing now. my life is filled with a purpose i have been actively searching for for three years, and subconsciously my entire life.

(your first Creole lesson, mesi anpil= thank you very much.)

One Way Ticket to Disneyland

There was a day in my life that was perfect. Or rather, looking back on it I can now say, was perfect. To be honest, most days I remember are this way, even now.

I was a young child, living carefree in this world beside my brother, mother and father. We were living in California at the time, somewhere around some beach (the details don't really matter when you're seven and all you care about is how many hours are in the day to play). My dad and I were flying a kite and he was trying to take an "artsy" photo looking up the string I held in my hands. Everything was good. Life was good.

This is the day that the family joke "A one way ticket to Disneyland" came into play as my brother and I were eating Twix bars. For some reason, (and again the details are hazy) from that day on, the Twix bar became that one way ticket to Disneyland. The Happiest Place on Earth that I have had the pleasure of visiting 25 times in my life.

I guess the story doesn't really matter. It is what I am trying to get at that does.

It is what you get in this world. It is those times. It is that joy, that eternal joy. That is what we get and we must hold on to that and appreciate it. It is in these moments that our lives are defined as perfect. Perfectly imperfect really, but it is the beauty of our moments that make up our lives.

In that one day, things could have gone differently. Something could have been better or gone more smoothly. But it is not these things we remember. Because all in all, none of that matters. It is the joy, the perfectness of that day that we remember. The little things are the details that "could have been better," but who wants to sweat the small stuff in life?

Things will not always be perfect, nor go according to the plan we have mapped out. Things will always be imperfect by nature, really. But that is what life is and that is why it is so beautiful. You can wish for someone or something to be different, but in the end, they are themselves and doing their best and we shall love them (or it) for the way that they are. Love is imperfect and always will be. It will guide us through these moments in life, these perfect days.

The beauty is in the imperfection that make all of our days a perfect miracle in this life. What life throws at you is meant to happen. It may not make sense at the time but it is perfect in plan. Taking even the hard times into consideration, if we do not remember each day as perfect, what do we have?

What is Happiness?

Wow friends... It's been a while! Can't believe it's been since February! Does that mean that nothing has really been post worthy or that I've been slacking on good updates? Ha, maybe a little of both but I am back to writing evermore.

I have learned a lot in the past few months. A lot about life. A lot about love. And a lot about appreciation, perspective and genuine compassion.

Appreciation:: People are always extending some helpful hand or words, a listening ear, or a comforting hug. And I think we tend to take this for granted, especially coming from the people closest to us. Never forget to appreciate these gestures.

Perspective:: Things in life may seem hard but there are always harder things. Some people may have it better or worse or just different but we all must remember that everyone goes through things where they could use a comforting hug. Keeping perspective of people's situations and the world around you is essential in your happiness and the happiness of the world.

Compassion:: Loving will never stop. Compassion will never leave this world. I encourage everyone to contemplate on the love in their lives and then extend it a little more. To someone who may need it but who you may not really know or understand. Everything comes full circle and this world flows a little easier when people are giving and true to their good nature. Learn to love fully or the heart will be wasted. The problem with this is that it tends to hurt more. But we must think, the suffering is worth the end result; fully experiencing.

Happiness:: I have found that when the pen is flowing, with words or drawings, my mind feels free of the world's suffering. The creative energy takes over and everything falls into place. When my pen is moving I cease to feel sorry for myself, to think badly about others, to over analyze and pick apart situations. Everything becomes clear. Everything becomes happy. It's almost as if I see the world, my world and my surroundings just as simply as they should be and it all makes sense.

Music, live music in particular, seems to have a similar effect. I went to a show last night of which I have waited years to see this artist live. I chose to go alone. When I told this to a friend before the concert, she could hardly believe that I would be doing such a thing by myself. I just thought it was another something I wanted to do and the fear or self-conciousness of being alone is not going to stop me from doing, seeing or experiencing anything. So I went. And I listened to the opening band, of which I bought a CD! I have never done that! But as I was listening, I felt the loosening up of everything inside. All of the negativity and the stress and the sorrow of anything that has ever happened. It slowly went away as my legs started to shake to the beat. I found myself in a room with 200 strangers with a smile on my face and the happiest honest feeling I have felt for some time. Something was coming alive. As John Butler came out on stage I couldn't help but jump up and down with excitement. And as the first chord of the first song was played I felt my heart lift into another world.

Not everyone gets this from music or writing. And not everyone will understand this. But I do know that everyone has something in their own lives that takes them to this place. That something that makes them this happy. Almost blissful, I guess. You know what it is, or maybe you don't and you're striving to find it. But I do know that it is out there. And it will make you feel good.

Writing again is hugely gratifying for me. It is something that gets pushed out of the way for work, love and other obligations. This is completely my fault and something no one else can do or not do for me. And it is something, for me, that should not be let go of. I have the complete set of my past journals and have been meaning to look back through them for a while now. They provide inspiration and advice into situations where I feel I have lost my way or need a boost. For those of you who know my "little black books," you know what I am talking about. The constant drawing with my four colors of pens, my note taking and quote writing, my silly little aspirations, hopes and dreams, and my heart and soul through tough times. Sometimes when we are going through something rough, we forget that we've probably felt a similar way before. It may not be as "bad" or "hard," etc. but we've all had to pick ourselves up and continue toward the ever changing dream of being our BEST SELVES.

For me, my best self is a culmination of everything in those little black journals. It is who I truly am, who I want to be and the things I admire about this world. Oh the miracles of this world! Let us never loose sight of that! Embracing the miracle of life is, essentially, what happens when I find myself unable to stop my fingers from typing, or unable to hold still to the sound of live music. You feel it in your bones and there is nothing more invigorating than understanding all of the happiness of the world just by doing or hearing something you love.

Love. It's what makes the world go 'round. God's love keeps the trees green. The heart's love is what feeds the mouths of the hungry and lets the weak rest in the care of good hands. Love and compassion for plants, animals and peoples alike is the love of the world.

Excuse me! I am starting to digress. Although, I once talked to my best friend about digression and if it was a bad or a good thing. I don't believe there is anything wrong with an "ADD" brain at all! It shows excitement. The digressive path allows you to think and feel and share so deeply all of your thoughts and loves. In my opinion, it lets the ideas loose so that they are there to be picked up and talked about or saved for another day. Digression is FEELING. It is loving. It is excitement for everything good in this world. And wanting to share that world with others.

So... Back to writing. I have said for a long time that I want to write a book. Or something along those lines. Not a novel but more of a book of inspiration. A book of Truth. A book of following one's path, being the best true self one can be. Being lost in this world and loving it and not going at it alone! The problem is; I just haven't done it. My excuse is; I just don't know how to start it. So, I am going to try because writing and inspiring and taking life's experiences and throwing them at other people is what makes me a happy person.

If I am happiest writing, I am a writer.
If I am happiest drawing, I am an artist.
If I am happiest singing, I am the best damn singer there ever was.

This is the Truth in life. This is how you find your happiness. Don't get all worked up into what you're supposed to be. Listen to the Truth and be what you WANT to be. Because I guarantee you, YOU ARE ALREADY IT. It is in there somewhere, it is our job to carry it out.

One of my favorite quotes is, "You were put here for a reason, Find what that reason is and do it." (Unknown)
To me this is simple. It is a given. To find what that is and do it is ultimately going feed the soul and make us more happy people.

And what is the point of all of it? We don't know need to search for the answer to this question. We get one shot, we better make sure we're happy enough to enjoy it. The point of LIFE is HAPPINESS. Love is happiness. Truth is happiness.

So I vow to write more, read more, draft a book, and stay true to the things and people I love and believe in.
And I love you all.