em:barking on what is 'up'

and now, a p-p-poem of sorts::

and now we embark, yet again
seemingly falling, crashing perhaps
but maybe we are just turned right side up and are actually falling toward the sky
and all the possibilities only 'up' can manifest.

she hung upside-down long enough
she began to believe she could walk on the sky.

today's possibilities are endless
worry less.

i am currently sitting outside in the sun, with leggings and a t-shirt on... In February... In Portland, Oregon.

What? wonderful.

Let's all just pause a moment and smile. Laugh. Hug the Earth and thank the Universe and all her power for giving us this day.

i am also currently unemployed. as of yesterday. and i've never been happier or more okay with a decision in my life. that was a hard ledge to jump off of. but, i trust that i have a parachute of some sort strapped to my back because i'm already off the edge!

i have been completely trapped for months. tied to a job i absolutely hated because it paid the bills. it was making me feel stifled, angry, resentful, bitter, tired, sloth-like and moody. that's a lot of shit i am not used to feeling. and for months, these feelings put me to bed at night and woke me up in the morning.

my soul needed a way out. it had been calling to me for so long to feed it with something worth feeling. something worth doing. something worth waking up in the morning for (not that my life and my loved ones aren't enough for that- but it needed more).

i don't enjoy admitting that my feelings were massively tied to a place of employment, but it's the truth. and for a lot of us, it's the truth.

WAKE UP is what it called to me. take a leap.

no, i don't know if i'll be okay.

no, i don't have any money.

and no, i don't know if my decision was the right one.

but what i do know it was imperative that i gave it a shot. i am trusting the universe today and every day. i am working on dis-attaching myself to the things that make this crazy society spin. i am revolting in joy and in faith.

i am loving and nurturing my soul. and it's awesome.

thank you.

i love this journey!

thinking

look in to me

and let me know that you know

understanding

i speak of the way the world should be

with only my eyes

only my heart

the pure intention of love

connection

i am who i am

eyes of deep mahogany and violet

of love, simplicity

truth

haiti: mesi anpil

my entire being has been transformed. yet again.. and profoundly.

my heart has been opened to a country and her people that i believe we (here in the 'first world') could learn a lot from. a country of hope and joy. a country of continued and endless faith. a country with more passion, intent and a collective vision to live better than they already are. there is an underlying constant energy flow toward improving their way of life that is very pure. very innocent in the sense that they do not let their current conditions discourage them from creating the hope for a better tomorrow.

the haitian spirit, their heart and their never-ending belief that things are going to get better only because they have the power to make them better, is like nothing i have experienced before. i have allowed this spirit to fill my core, saturate my heart and strengthen my own belief in life.

haiti is somewhere i may have never experienced if it weren't for the earthquake and yet, i find myself coming back from my first trip with the thought,

'my life would have never been complete with out those people and experiences... and i never would have known it.'

i am filled with gratitude for the things i experienced in our nine days. i have never loved something more wholly as i do that country, and i have never loved anything with my whole heart as i do her people.

We had worked for an entire year getting ready for the trip. i must say, three women in our group made it all happen every step of the way and i appreciate them very much for their hard work. our management team as a whole put countless hours and energy in to a project we knew we had to believe in. in our year of preparing, we were individuals working toward a common idea. we came back a team with a mission as deep as our hearts could grow. even feeling connected with those who did not get to experience Haiti in person. we have become a family with a common love and a desire to help the Haitian people gain skills they can use to improve their owns lives.

i am moved to tears when i think about the smiles i have seen in haiti. my heart is filled with joy and understanding when i think of the children holding my hands and looking up into mine with a giggle and a sense of satisfaction in knowing that we have connected in some unspoken way. our skin is different, our language is different, our economical status is different and yet there is some underlying understanding that we are all the same. we share the same thought, the same love in our hearts for the people around us and in our own lives.

until now, i have been lost. three years of purposeful lost-ness. intentionally wandering, looking for light and love and strength in this beautiful world. looking for understanding and meaning in crowded classrooms or bars where all i felt was an aching abandon in my own heart. a longing to fill the empty space that sat in my chest, a sense of wanting to understand what it was i was supposed to be doing in the eyes of God and the heart of mother nature in this world. why was my being created? why was i brought up in a loving family, in the midst of this crazy place we call the world? what was it that ached inside me, yearning for something more? longing for purpose and meaning and truth and light.

i have found this is haiti.

i have found truth in my belief in my being and in my mission. i have been reassured that i am on the right path and that my true reward will come when i am giving, not receiving. because when you give, you receive more than you could have ever imagined and that is enough to fill the spirit of ten thousand men... or just one girl from portland, oregon. :)

haiti is the beginning. i have found reassurance in my dreams in the eyes of the people i have been touched by in haiti. i have come back with a greater sense that what i am trying to do is right. for the last few years i have been very intentional in the way i was learning and growing. i knew that i was doing every thing so i could get to this point (and this will never stop).

I was intentionally lost so that i could find myself.

it is only the beautiful beginning of a life of passionate service work. i welcome it fully and i thank haiti for clarifying this dream and opening the gates to my nirvana.

i have never felt as if i was doing anything so right as what i am doing now. my life is filled with a purpose i have been actively searching for for three years, and subconsciously my entire life.

(your first Creole lesson, mesi anpil= thank you very much.)

thankyou::

james & stacey kirkham: for living the kind of love, faith and strength that people strive for their entire lives.

brother: with out you i would not be me. not even close to it.

jenny: for having the same soul i do. there are almost no words to express my gratitude toward your being.

mike: for turning (almost) everything in to a joke but not being afraid to have a meaningful conversation. for believing in the things i attempt to accomplish.

molly: for always, with out fail, for ever and ever, making me laugh. and for being a very, very good adventure buddy.

mason: for yoga (i know you are also going to want me to thank you for being the funniest person on planet earth, so thank you for always being a huge goofball).

andrew & joanna: for inspiring me to be in love and travel around the world only to see it through each other's eyes. for allowing me to continue to believe that it is possible. never forget how special that is.

oliver(bestie): for being truly the best, even from a million miles away.

oli: for your cup of tea cravings, your ridiculous english banter, your endless humor and childlike spirit. for your belief in the universe. and truly just for being you. you amaze me and make me smile. always.

samantha(fargo): for your accent you didn't know you have and for always asking questions. i believe in who you are becoming, i hope you can believe in it a little more, too. because in some way, you make me believe in who i am.

alexa, my littlest friend: for showing me what a good soul is like. for allowing me to be Broken Open and for dancing with the beautiful rhythm of life like no one else i have ever met.

katherine: for missed phone calls and longest voicemails ever. for your strength and dedication. and for your continued friendship and your everlasting belief in who i am.

alysha: for morning coffees and happy hour dates and always making time for our friendship. for knowing that it is important to know God.

kosta: for continuing to see me even when i am no longer there.

tobias: for always catching me on a day when i could use a joke. and always, always, having a joke for everything.

vicky: for having the most gracious and kindest heart of anyone i have ever had the pleasure of meeting.

kim hess: for always being on my mind. i love your spirit.

if i have not mentioned someone it is not because i do not love you. in fact, i really do love just about everyone... i have just felt the need to write about these people now, for their recent and continued love and support. and for always being on my mind.

love is simple when you have found souls like these. the family that encourages me to be a better person.

we as people, friends, lovers, ex-whatevers, cousins, etc. do not;

talk enough,

smile enough,

say bless you to strangers enough,

listen to our hearts enough,

look at each other in the eyes enough,

allow ourselves to truly feel enough,

say thank you enough.

love more. love always. love now.

home is where: the heart is

my home doesn't consist of where i sleep, where i rest my feet after a long day or where i get ready in the morning.

my home is much more than that.

it is dreams and visions of great todays and better tomorrows.

it is friendships and relationships i have nurtured over the years.

it is my happiest thoughts and my ambitions for an adventurous future.

it is the love i feel for all of those who have touched my heart and made me a better person.

it is the look in people's eyes when i thank them for being who they are.

it is the challenges i face each and every day and the strength and courage i muster up to get through the hard ones.

it is the smiles on the faces of the people on the bus i do not know but might like to know, because who knows, we could get to know each other quite well.

it is the smile my heart feels when i think of the love i have shared with very few people intimately and the love i have shared with a lot of people broadly.

it is the sand between my toes and the wind that howls through the moonlit air.

i may have a home... yes.

a place to rest my feet. a place to lay my head. a closet for my belongings.

but my home is much more than that.

my home can be found any where there is love to be shared.

it can be found along the paths between rivers and forests, between sea and land.

it can be found in the dusty, crowded streets when children look up at you with that twinkle in their eye that only children can posses.

it can be found at night, alone, sitting with my own self and my own heart contemplating, why?

it can be found in the coldness of someone who was once my best friend, and in the warmth of those who refuse to give up on me.

yes, my home can vastly be found in others. in the ones i love,

for i do not care if i have a home as long as my soul can dance with theirs.

Your own best Self::

I should start this post, and all my posts, out by saying that no one is perfect. That is the beauty of the human spirit. I write a lot about "how we should be" and "how to be a good person." I am not always a good person, I am not perfect. But at least I can admit that and I am always trying to learn and improve. No one can ever be perfect, so we should all just try to be good, honest people to each other and ourselves. [This is just a little disclaimer as I don't want people thinking that I think I am better than anyone else out there! Cuz I ain't! We're all just different, and we're all just superheroes dressed in regular clothes.]

I have a habit of writing on my walls with permanent marker. Something I don't think my father is too happy about, but nonetheless he can appreciate the message. That and he's dealt with my "off-beat flow" for some time now... I figure writing straight on the walls is the most permanent way I can express myself. It is my brain's thought process in the raw.

Every time I walk out of my bedroom I look at the words I've written: "Be a good person, today."
Be a good person, TODAY. This is all we have to worry about.
Where ever you go, there you are.
And if you are striving to be a good person in that moment, you are living an honest life.

One should always strive to be their own best self.
We are human. Leave room for error, false judgment and occasional let down.
Leave room for hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
But always know WHAT and WHO you want to be.
Always Question.
Praise yourself with self respect and hold yourself to high standards. This shows confidence and faith in your inner being. This shows your unconditional love for thy self.
Ask yourself constantly how you can do better, do good.

Are you the man or woman you would be proud of?

Often times we find a path to our own best self, through something or someone, and we fear it.
It is a step up. A rise to another level, almost as if you are being called upon (by yourself, of course) to take that step.
It is easy to shy away from being a better self. It is not the easiest path and some will not allow themselves to go forward on it. For whatever reason; guilt, fear, laziness, some cannot take that leap.
Out of fear, many people choose to avoid the path, ignoring the challenge. They are left weakened by a state of mind that can trap and dissolution.
And for a time, this path works, because it is easy. Floating.

But the call to take the path to your own best self will rise within you again. You can ignore it. You can drown it out or run the other way, but it will always find you through other circumstances, people and challenges.
One must give up the contented to move to the extraordinary. One must make the change and take the leap!

Who gives a fuck, it's scary as hell but it's the only way to LIVE THIS LIFE BEAUTIFULLY.
We must change the way we think in order to strive for something better.

We must be the deciders of our own fate.
We must always think on how we can be our OWN BEST SELF.

More Love.
More graditude.
More joy.

Your heart doesn't lie. It will tell you what you need to know, you just have to decide if you are going to listen to it.

In striving to be "good," everything becomes so simple. So real.
No one can be their own best self all the time. Leave room for this in your life and lives of others. Trying is the key.

We will stumble and fall.
We will lose our way and feel confused.
We will need to ask for help and for forgiveness along the way. And we must trust that the people who love us will give us such things.

This continuing journey will not be easy, but it will be best.
To strive for goodness, fairness... To search for righteousness.
To be our own best self and constantly question what that is.

Our own best self is no one elses.

One Way Ticket to Disneyland

There was a day in my life that was perfect. Or rather, looking back on it I can now say, was perfect. To be honest, most days I remember are this way, even now.

I was a young child, living carefree in this world beside my brother, mother and father. We were living in California at the time, somewhere around some beach (the details don't really matter when you're seven and all you care about is how many hours are in the day to play). My dad and I were flying a kite and he was trying to take an "artsy" photo looking up the string I held in my hands. Everything was good. Life was good.

This is the day that the family joke "A one way ticket to Disneyland" came into play as my brother and I were eating Twix bars. For some reason, (and again the details are hazy) from that day on, the Twix bar became that one way ticket to Disneyland. The Happiest Place on Earth that I have had the pleasure of visiting 25 times in my life.

I guess the story doesn't really matter. It is what I am trying to get at that does.

It is what you get in this world. It is those times. It is that joy, that eternal joy. That is what we get and we must hold on to that and appreciate it. It is in these moments that our lives are defined as perfect. Perfectly imperfect really, but it is the beauty of our moments that make up our lives.

In that one day, things could have gone differently. Something could have been better or gone more smoothly. But it is not these things we remember. Because all in all, none of that matters. It is the joy, the perfectness of that day that we remember. The little things are the details that "could have been better," but who wants to sweat the small stuff in life?

Things will not always be perfect, nor go according to the plan we have mapped out. Things will always be imperfect by nature, really. But that is what life is and that is why it is so beautiful. You can wish for someone or something to be different, but in the end, they are themselves and doing their best and we shall love them (or it) for the way that they are. Love is imperfect and always will be. It will guide us through these moments in life, these perfect days.

The beauty is in the imperfection that make all of our days a perfect miracle in this life. What life throws at you is meant to happen. It may not make sense at the time but it is perfect in plan. Taking even the hard times into consideration, if we do not remember each day as perfect, what do we have?

Crazy Little Thing Called Love::

It's funny. Tonight I had the idea of picking up the computer to write about a subject that I think we can all relate to. A subject that each and every one of us has a connection with. An emotion that can be so powerfully good or so awesomely bad.

Tonight I was going to write about love.

We have all given love, and we have all received love. We have been blessed to share this special feeling with the people we choose to surround ourselves with. But then I thought; Can love really be described? Can something that tugs at the very shoestrings of your soul be written about on paper?

I started wandering around Facebook and on other blogs that I follow and came across one from a very lovely lady who I have only had the pleasure of being around a few times. But to me, she is love because I can see it and feel it through her energy and her writing.

I grew up in a neighborhood full of boys. Now this is not to say I didn't grow up "girly." In fact, sometimes I think I am too sensitive for my own good and I let my feelings get ahead of my rationality. But give it time and I always seem to pull myself back down to the ground where I find myself standing on two feet looking out at this beautiful existence with nothing but love to give. Now, I do contribute (a lot of) my amount of loving energy to my childhood, my parents and my "brothers." Thank you Eric, mostly, for always being my big brother. And the others? Well, you know who you are and I am pretty sure you have a good idea of how you've positively influenced me. But out of these brothers of mine, I have always admired James for his determination, his "cool" and his capacity to just be his inspiring self. And I think that is why he met and married a very loving woman.

It's funny that I would sit down to write about love and sift through the blog updates in my feed to find a recent blog post of Stacey Kirkham. She writes about it so well, I will just quote her:

"as i ponder love and its meaning, i often find myself questioning if love is even the right word for the emotion i feel. is it possible to more than love someone? these thoughts led me to the dictionary...

love
[luhv]
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. affectionate concern for the well-being of another

why is "love" so hard to define? for me, love goes beyond affection, attachment, desire and concern...it reaches my soul and oozes from my pores. my love is intended for benefits not for profits, it is meant for others. my love is infinite and not temporal, it is patient. my love is merciful and not judgmental, it is unconditional." (Thank you Stacey).

Love is Truth. Love is the reason we are here. Without it, a person has nothing. With it, a person feels as though anything is possible. And believe this, with love, anything IS possible. It is good when it's here, but sometimes I think it gets overlooked or taken for granted. It is devastating when it is gone. The pain of losing love or a loved one seems almost too much to bear. Love leads people to do irrational things, funny things, inspiring things. It can also be pushed out of people's reach for no explanation at all.

The word "Love" may not be able to describe the emotion that a person has, but hell, the people that make the rules say that everything in this world needs to be named for the purpose of description and comprehension. So what is this I feel? It is so good. It is so big. It is so simple. It is what it is, my friends.

I often contemplate on how to share that love with more people. How to share that love with the world! I have felt the love of the world before and I know what it feels like to know you've touched the lives of people you may not even know. Love is all-encompassing, invigorating and True. More positive thought=more love=a better existence.

So, without further ado, thank you to all of the people who have ever given me love. I have learned from each and every one of you. And thank you to specific people who taught me what real love is.

I think this is the first time I have written a blog post and haven't really taken it anywhere. I have no concrete opinion, I have no easy line to suggest people follow. I don't even really know if this post has a point! But I guess that just means that love is ultimately something that the heart does not debate, it does not tell you one way or the other how to love. I guess you just... DO.

So true, so True::

Nothing big... Just two quotes I love to love::

"The fastest way to break the vicious cycle and love fearlessly is to give up the idea of doing it perfectly - embrace uncertainty and imperfection."

"Attitude can be summed up in one word- choice. Choosing to change your attitude may seem like a small change, but it can't happen unless we recognize it's all up to us. If we don't decide what kind of a day we're going to have, who does?"

What is Happiness?

Wow friends... It's been a while! Can't believe it's been since February! Does that mean that nothing has really been post worthy or that I've been slacking on good updates? Ha, maybe a little of both but I am back to writing evermore.

I have learned a lot in the past few months. A lot about life. A lot about love. And a lot about appreciation, perspective and genuine compassion.

Appreciation:: People are always extending some helpful hand or words, a listening ear, or a comforting hug. And I think we tend to take this for granted, especially coming from the people closest to us. Never forget to appreciate these gestures.

Perspective:: Things in life may seem hard but there are always harder things. Some people may have it better or worse or just different but we all must remember that everyone goes through things where they could use a comforting hug. Keeping perspective of people's situations and the world around you is essential in your happiness and the happiness of the world.

Compassion:: Loving will never stop. Compassion will never leave this world. I encourage everyone to contemplate on the love in their lives and then extend it a little more. To someone who may need it but who you may not really know or understand. Everything comes full circle and this world flows a little easier when people are giving and true to their good nature. Learn to love fully or the heart will be wasted. The problem with this is that it tends to hurt more. But we must think, the suffering is worth the end result; fully experiencing.

Happiness:: I have found that when the pen is flowing, with words or drawings, my mind feels free of the world's suffering. The creative energy takes over and everything falls into place. When my pen is moving I cease to feel sorry for myself, to think badly about others, to over analyze and pick apart situations. Everything becomes clear. Everything becomes happy. It's almost as if I see the world, my world and my surroundings just as simply as they should be and it all makes sense.

Music, live music in particular, seems to have a similar effect. I went to a show last night of which I have waited years to see this artist live. I chose to go alone. When I told this to a friend before the concert, she could hardly believe that I would be doing such a thing by myself. I just thought it was another something I wanted to do and the fear or self-conciousness of being alone is not going to stop me from doing, seeing or experiencing anything. So I went. And I listened to the opening band, of which I bought a CD! I have never done that! But as I was listening, I felt the loosening up of everything inside. All of the negativity and the stress and the sorrow of anything that has ever happened. It slowly went away as my legs started to shake to the beat. I found myself in a room with 200 strangers with a smile on my face and the happiest honest feeling I have felt for some time. Something was coming alive. As John Butler came out on stage I couldn't help but jump up and down with excitement. And as the first chord of the first song was played I felt my heart lift into another world.

Not everyone gets this from music or writing. And not everyone will understand this. But I do know that everyone has something in their own lives that takes them to this place. That something that makes them this happy. Almost blissful, I guess. You know what it is, or maybe you don't and you're striving to find it. But I do know that it is out there. And it will make you feel good.

Writing again is hugely gratifying for me. It is something that gets pushed out of the way for work, love and other obligations. This is completely my fault and something no one else can do or not do for me. And it is something, for me, that should not be let go of. I have the complete set of my past journals and have been meaning to look back through them for a while now. They provide inspiration and advice into situations where I feel I have lost my way or need a boost. For those of you who know my "little black books," you know what I am talking about. The constant drawing with my four colors of pens, my note taking and quote writing, my silly little aspirations, hopes and dreams, and my heart and soul through tough times. Sometimes when we are going through something rough, we forget that we've probably felt a similar way before. It may not be as "bad" or "hard," etc. but we've all had to pick ourselves up and continue toward the ever changing dream of being our BEST SELVES.

For me, my best self is a culmination of everything in those little black journals. It is who I truly am, who I want to be and the things I admire about this world. Oh the miracles of this world! Let us never loose sight of that! Embracing the miracle of life is, essentially, what happens when I find myself unable to stop my fingers from typing, or unable to hold still to the sound of live music. You feel it in your bones and there is nothing more invigorating than understanding all of the happiness of the world just by doing or hearing something you love.

Love. It's what makes the world go 'round. God's love keeps the trees green. The heart's love is what feeds the mouths of the hungry and lets the weak rest in the care of good hands. Love and compassion for plants, animals and peoples alike is the love of the world.

Excuse me! I am starting to digress. Although, I once talked to my best friend about digression and if it was a bad or a good thing. I don't believe there is anything wrong with an "ADD" brain at all! It shows excitement. The digressive path allows you to think and feel and share so deeply all of your thoughts and loves. In my opinion, it lets the ideas loose so that they are there to be picked up and talked about or saved for another day. Digression is FEELING. It is loving. It is excitement for everything good in this world. And wanting to share that world with others.

So... Back to writing. I have said for a long time that I want to write a book. Or something along those lines. Not a novel but more of a book of inspiration. A book of Truth. A book of following one's path, being the best true self one can be. Being lost in this world and loving it and not going at it alone! The problem is; I just haven't done it. My excuse is; I just don't know how to start it. So, I am going to try because writing and inspiring and taking life's experiences and throwing them at other people is what makes me a happy person.

If I am happiest writing, I am a writer.
If I am happiest drawing, I am an artist.
If I am happiest singing, I am the best damn singer there ever was.

This is the Truth in life. This is how you find your happiness. Don't get all worked up into what you're supposed to be. Listen to the Truth and be what you WANT to be. Because I guarantee you, YOU ARE ALREADY IT. It is in there somewhere, it is our job to carry it out.

One of my favorite quotes is, "You were put here for a reason, Find what that reason is and do it." (Unknown)
To me this is simple. It is a given. To find what that is and do it is ultimately going feed the soul and make us more happy people.

And what is the point of all of it? We don't know need to search for the answer to this question. We get one shot, we better make sure we're happy enough to enjoy it. The point of LIFE is HAPPINESS. Love is happiness. Truth is happiness.

So I vow to write more, read more, draft a book, and stay true to the things and people I love and believe in.
And I love you all.