let's all quit the real world and play tetris :

life is like a big ol' game of tetris.

things fall into place where they should; sometimes with a little maneuvering or forcing & sometimes you just get lucky.

sometimes things don't land where you think they should or wanted them to, but you have to go with it anyway.

you have your favorite pieces. others you don't love so much but still have to deal with them, the difficult ones are never gonna go away.

some people score higher than others (but who's counting, right?)

and most of the time making it to the next level, accomplishing something you've worked for, makes you feel like a fucking superstar.

thinking

look in to me

and let me know that you know

understanding

i speak of the way the world should be

with only my eyes

only my heart

the pure intention of love

connection

i am who i am

eyes of deep mahogany and violet

of love, simplicity

truth

haiti: mesi anpil

my entire being has been transformed. yet again.. and profoundly.

my heart has been opened to a country and her people that i believe we (here in the 'first world') could learn a lot from. a country of hope and joy. a country of continued and endless faith. a country with more passion, intent and a collective vision to live better than they already are. there is an underlying constant energy flow toward improving their way of life that is very pure. very innocent in the sense that they do not let their current conditions discourage them from creating the hope for a better tomorrow.

the haitian spirit, their heart and their never-ending belief that things are going to get better only because they have the power to make them better, is like nothing i have experienced before. i have allowed this spirit to fill my core, saturate my heart and strengthen my own belief in life.

haiti is somewhere i may have never experienced if it weren't for the earthquake and yet, i find myself coming back from my first trip with the thought,

'my life would have never been complete with out those people and experiences... and i never would have known it.'

i am filled with gratitude for the things i experienced in our nine days. i have never loved something more wholly as i do that country, and i have never loved anything with my whole heart as i do her people.

We had worked for an entire year getting ready for the trip. i must say, three women in our group made it all happen every step of the way and i appreciate them very much for their hard work. our management team as a whole put countless hours and energy in to a project we knew we had to believe in. in our year of preparing, we were individuals working toward a common idea. we came back a team with a mission as deep as our hearts could grow. even feeling connected with those who did not get to experience Haiti in person. we have become a family with a common love and a desire to help the Haitian people gain skills they can use to improve their owns lives.

i am moved to tears when i think about the smiles i have seen in haiti. my heart is filled with joy and understanding when i think of the children holding my hands and looking up into mine with a giggle and a sense of satisfaction in knowing that we have connected in some unspoken way. our skin is different, our language is different, our economical status is different and yet there is some underlying understanding that we are all the same. we share the same thought, the same love in our hearts for the people around us and in our own lives.

until now, i have been lost. three years of purposeful lost-ness. intentionally wandering, looking for light and love and strength in this beautiful world. looking for understanding and meaning in crowded classrooms or bars where all i felt was an aching abandon in my own heart. a longing to fill the empty space that sat in my chest, a sense of wanting to understand what it was i was supposed to be doing in the eyes of God and the heart of mother nature in this world. why was my being created? why was i brought up in a loving family, in the midst of this crazy place we call the world? what was it that ached inside me, yearning for something more? longing for purpose and meaning and truth and light.

i have found this is haiti.

i have found truth in my belief in my being and in my mission. i have been reassured that i am on the right path and that my true reward will come when i am giving, not receiving. because when you give, you receive more than you could have ever imagined and that is enough to fill the spirit of ten thousand men... or just one girl from portland, oregon. :)

haiti is the beginning. i have found reassurance in my dreams in the eyes of the people i have been touched by in haiti. i have come back with a greater sense that what i am trying to do is right. for the last few years i have been very intentional in the way i was learning and growing. i knew that i was doing every thing so i could get to this point (and this will never stop).

I was intentionally lost so that i could find myself.

it is only the beautiful beginning of a life of passionate service work. i welcome it fully and i thank haiti for clarifying this dream and opening the gates to my nirvana.

i have never felt as if i was doing anything so right as what i am doing now. my life is filled with a purpose i have been actively searching for for three years, and subconsciously my entire life.

(your first Creole lesson, mesi anpil= thank you very much.)

i daydream in WONKA.VISION

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.”

– Anne Frank

thankyou::

james & stacey kirkham: for living the kind of love, faith and strength that people strive for their entire lives.

brother: with out you i would not be me. not even close to it.

jenny: for having the same soul i do. there are almost no words to express my gratitude toward your being.

mike: for turning (almost) everything in to a joke but not being afraid to have a meaningful conversation. for believing in the things i attempt to accomplish.

molly: for always, with out fail, for ever and ever, making me laugh. and for being a very, very good adventure buddy.

mason: for yoga (i know you are also going to want me to thank you for being the funniest person on planet earth, so thank you for always being a huge goofball).

andrew & joanna: for inspiring me to be in love and travel around the world only to see it through each other's eyes. for allowing me to continue to believe that it is possible. never forget how special that is.

oliver(bestie): for being truly the best, even from a million miles away.

oli: for your cup of tea cravings, your ridiculous english banter, your endless humor and childlike spirit. for your belief in the universe. and truly just for being you. you amaze me and make me smile. always.

samantha(fargo): for your accent you didn't know you have and for always asking questions. i believe in who you are becoming, i hope you can believe in it a little more, too. because in some way, you make me believe in who i am.

alexa, my littlest friend: for showing me what a good soul is like. for allowing me to be Broken Open and for dancing with the beautiful rhythm of life like no one else i have ever met.

katherine: for missed phone calls and longest voicemails ever. for your strength and dedication. and for your continued friendship and your everlasting belief in who i am.

alysha: for morning coffees and happy hour dates and always making time for our friendship. for knowing that it is important to know God.

kosta: for continuing to see me even when i am no longer there.

tobias: for always catching me on a day when i could use a joke. and always, always, having a joke for everything.

vicky: for having the most gracious and kindest heart of anyone i have ever had the pleasure of meeting.

kim hess: for always being on my mind. i love your spirit.

if i have not mentioned someone it is not because i do not love you. in fact, i really do love just about everyone... i have just felt the need to write about these people now, for their recent and continued love and support. and for always being on my mind.

love is simple when you have found souls like these. the family that encourages me to be a better person.

we as people, friends, lovers, ex-whatevers, cousins, etc. do not;

talk enough,

smile enough,

say bless you to strangers enough,

listen to our hearts enough,

look at each other in the eyes enough,

allow ourselves to truly feel enough,

say thank you enough.

love more. love always. love now.

home is where: the heart is

my home doesn't consist of where i sleep, where i rest my feet after a long day or where i get ready in the morning.

my home is much more than that.

it is dreams and visions of great todays and better tomorrows.

it is friendships and relationships i have nurtured over the years.

it is my happiest thoughts and my ambitions for an adventurous future.

it is the love i feel for all of those who have touched my heart and made me a better person.

it is the look in people's eyes when i thank them for being who they are.

it is the challenges i face each and every day and the strength and courage i muster up to get through the hard ones.

it is the smiles on the faces of the people on the bus i do not know but might like to know, because who knows, we could get to know each other quite well.

it is the smile my heart feels when i think of the love i have shared with very few people intimately and the love i have shared with a lot of people broadly.

it is the sand between my toes and the wind that howls through the moonlit air.

i may have a home... yes.

a place to rest my feet. a place to lay my head. a closet for my belongings.

but my home is much more than that.

my home can be found any where there is love to be shared.

it can be found along the paths between rivers and forests, between sea and land.

it can be found in the dusty, crowded streets when children look up at you with that twinkle in their eye that only children can posses.

it can be found at night, alone, sitting with my own self and my own heart contemplating, why?

it can be found in the coldness of someone who was once my best friend, and in the warmth of those who refuse to give up on me.

yes, my home can vastly be found in others. in the ones i love,

for i do not care if i have a home as long as my soul can dance with theirs.